390
PARTISAN RE V IEW
peculiar burden, to feel shame and impotence, to taste these quelled
tears-the only important business, was being done. Maybe the making
of mistakes expressed the very purpose of his life and the essence of
his being here. Maybe he was supposed to make them and suffer from
them on this earth. And though he had raised himself above Mr. Perls
and his father because they adored money, still they were called to act
energetically and this was better than to yell and cry, pray and beg,
poke and blunder and go by fits and starts, and fall upon the thorns
of life. And finally sink beneath that watery floor-would that be tough
luck, or would it be good riddance?
But he raged once more against his father. Other people with
money, while they're still alive, want to see it do some good. Granted
he shouldn't support me. But have I asked him to do that? Have I ever
asked for dough at all, either for Margaret or for the kids or for myself?
It isn't the money, but only the assistance; not even assistance, but just
the feeling. But he may be trying to teach me that a grown man should
be cured of such feeling. Feeling got me in dutch at Rojax. I had the
feeling
that I belonged to the firm, and my
feelings
were hurt when
they put Gerber in over me. Dad thinks I'm too simple. But I'm not so
simple as he thinks. What about his feelings? He doesn't forget death
for one single second, and that's what makes him like this. And not only
is death on his mind but through the money he forces me to think about
it too.
It
gives him power over me. He forces me that way, and then
he's sore.
If
he was poor, I could care for him and show it. The way I
could care, too, if I only had a chance. He'd see how much love and
respect I had in me. It would make him a different man, too. He'd put
his hands on me and give me his blessing.
Someone in a gray straw hat with a wide cocoa-colored band spoke
to Wilhelm in the lobby. The light was dusky, splotched with red under–
foot; green, the leather furniture; yellow, the indirect lighting.
"Hey, Tommy. Say, there."
"Excuse me," said Wilhelm, trying to reach a house phone. But
this was Dr. Tamkin whom he was just about to call.
"You have a very obsessional look on your face," said Dr. Tamkin.
Wilhelm thought, Here he is. Here he is.
If
I could only figure
this
guy out.
"Oh," he said to Tamkin. "Have I got such a look? Well, whatever
it is, you name it and I'm sure to have it."
T he sight of Dr. Tamkin brought his quarrel with his father to a
close. He found himself flowing into another channel.
"What are we doing?" he said. "What's going to happen to lard,
today?"
"Don't worry yourself about that. All we have to do is hold on to
it and it's sure to go up. But what's made you so hot under the collar,
Wilhelm?"
"Oh, one of those family situations." This was the moment to take
~
new look at Tamkin, and he viewed him closely but gained nothing
by
the new t;!ifort.
It
was conceivable that Tamkin was everything that
