PARTISAN
R'EVIEW
can do but pray. 0 God, he prayed, be
merciful
unto
me,
a
sinner.
Let me not feel good when
I
am
good.
If
I
am good. Let me just
try to be good, don't let me
feel
good. Don't let me even
know
if
I'm
good. Just let me try. And in this humility, aware that it was
of
a
true and pure kind which was new to him, he felt a flash of relief,
well-being, pride: and tightening his shut eyes, cried out in despair
within himself,
There
it
is again!
0
God make it go away. Make it not
mean anything.
0
God what I can't help, please forgive it.
He wanted
to put himself down on his face on the floor.
"All
my trust
I
put
in
Thee,"
he whispered aloud and, aware that he had whispered aloud,
opened his eyes in the fear that he had been noticed. Nobody seemed
to
have noticed. Now Jimmy and Hobe were kneeling a little ahead
of
him. He found that he was drenched with sweat and as short of breath
as
if
he had been running. He felt weak and quiet. The burden of them
is intolerable. He could feel the words sincerely and quietly now yet
at the same time they meant nothing to him. All my trust
I
put in Thee,
he repeated silently.
0
let me not fail Thee.
Tonight.
This very night.
For in the
night
in which He was betrayed.
~w
fragments of his first moment awake returned but now they
were dry and tired like dead leaves, as dry and tired as he was. He
tried to realize what it all meant. But all that he could realize was
dry and tired like the tired dry fire of the candles.
He came into the world to be with us and save us, and this is
what happened. This is what it all came to.
not.
The light shineth in darkness and the darknoss comprehended it
He came unto His own and His own received Him not.
So there He was just sitting there waiting. Just waiting to die.
Words stirred and stood up inside him which lifted his heart: But
as many as received
Him,
to them gave He power to become the sons
of God.
And the Word was made Flesh and dwelt among us:
He closed his eyes and bowed his head.
Flesh.
All for us.
All his suffering for all of us.
He remembered the terrible thing his uncle had said: "Well who
asked
him to die for me?
I
didn't. He needn't try and collect on the
debt," he had said, "because there's no debt, far's I'm concerned."
