PARTISAN REVIEW
The next day I prepared to leave and I noted with astonishment
that I had been at home nineteen days. We packed my bags, and
my mother said she thought the trip had done me good. "You're not
quite as nervous as when you arrived," she observed.
"Not as nervous!" I said. "I'm a wreck!"
"Well, go on back to New York if it makes you feel better," she
said wearily.
"I don't feel exactly wonderful there-"
"There's only one answer to that," my mother said, slamming
the door as she walked out of the room. "There must be something
wrong with
you!"
I ran to the door and opened it so that she would be certain
to hear me.
"If
there is something wrong with me it's your fault,"
I said triumphantly.
"Mine!" she called back. "What madness!"
For some reason this altercation put me in a good humor. Now
that I was leaving my feelings shifted every five seconds from self–
pity to the gushiest love and affection. I even began to think how
nice it was at home, how placid. My father came in and I could tell
from the serious expression on his face that he was thinking of im–
portant matters. I'm sure he meant to make me very happy but he
had a way of expressing himself that was often misleading and so,
with the most tender look in his eyes, he informed me that
in spite of
everything
they
all
liked me very much. I graciously let that pass
because I was, in my thoughts, already wondering whether once I
was away, home would again assume its convenient sinister shape.
There was only one thing left to do in Kentucky, a little ritual
which I always liked to put off until the end. My mother mistakenly
believes that I mourn my dead brother and tomorrow morning there
will still be time before the train leaves to drive out to the cemetery
where he lies. The pink and white dogwood will be flowering and the
graves will be surrounded by tulips and lilacs. At this time of the
year the cemetery is magnificent, and my mother will not let me
miss the beauty. When we get there she will point to the family
lot and say, "Sister, I hate to think of you alone in New York, away
from your family. But you'll come back to us. There's a space for you
next to Brother.... In the nicest part.... So shady and cool."
And so it is, as they say, comforting to have these roots.
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