THE CHILD IS THE MEANING
367
or been ignorant about. Fresh light, new light, light breaking through
the massy cumulus clouds- so Jasper felt as he listened, questioning
Rebecca. Before this, he had known Sarah's version, most of all, and
now, hearing Rebecca's version of Sarah,, Jasper knew for the first
time what the two sisters had been to each other.
"What a strong human being
is
Mamma," said Rebecca, "even
the doctor was surprised. He said that most human beings would
have died from an attack like that."
"I bet that it is because she really does not want to die that she
has lived through so much suffering," said Jasper. "Look at my mo–
ther. She has been sick for years in a way that Grandmother was
never sick. And yet she has taken better care of herself than Grand–
mother ever did and she is twenty-five years younger."
"Your mother," said Rebecca, "did not have a good husband
and your grandmother did."
The conversation turned to the marriage of Jasper's parents,
which he had often discussed with his grandmother as well as his
aunt. Jasper explained to his aunt that he had been told by a physi–
cian that he had probably had a very unpleasant infancy. He knew
well enough that his childhood had been made unpleasant by his
sorrow for his mother.
"This doctor thinks that I was sick," said Jasper, who had re–
marked to friends of his own generation that he had been born with
a hangover, the colic.
"You were a fat healthy infant," said Rebecca, "you just had
the usual ailments."
"I thought I cried all the time and that that was why we moved
from one apartment to another so many times," said Jasper.
"You cried like any child in the cradle," said Rebecca. "The
only thing was that your father was crazy about you and when you
cried at night, he insisted on turning on all the lights. When a child
cries, most people let it cry until it falls asleep. But you found out
that you could get a lot of attention by crying and that spoiled you."
This was a new thing to Jasper. He had not known that it was
his father and not his mother who· made much of him in his infancy.
"I thought my mother spoiled me too," said Jasper.
"It was your father," said Rebecca, "your mother was so miser–
able about her marriage that she did not pay much attention to you."
This was like a sudden great light in the midst of darkness to
Jasper. He had always supposed that his mother, rejected by his
unfaithful father, had been devoted to him until he had grown to
