A DANGLING MAN
403
of the Enlightenment. I was in the midst of one on Diderot
when I stopped. But it was vaguely understood when I began
to dangle that I was to continue with them. Iva did not wam
me to get a job. As lA I culd not get a suitable one anyhow.
Iva is a quiet girl. She has a way about her that dis–
courages talk. We no longer confide in each other; in fact
there are many things I could not mention to her. We have
friends but we no longer see them. A few live in distant pans
of the city. Some are in Washington and some in the Army;
one is abroad. My Chicago friends and I have been growing
steadily apart. I have not been too eager to meet them. Possibly
some of our differences could be mended. But, as I see it, the
main bolt that held us together has given way and so far l
have had no incentive to replace it. And so I am very much
alone. I sat idle in my room anticipating the minor crises of the
day, the maid's knock, the appearance of the postman, meal–
times, programs on the radio and the sure, cyclical distress of
certain thoughts.
I have thought of going to work but I am unwilling to
admit that I do not know how to use my freedom and have to
embrace the flunkeydom of a job because I have no resources,
in a word, no character. I made an attempt to enlist in the
Navy last time I was reclassified but induction, it seems, is the
only channel for aliens. There is nothing to do but wait and
dangle and grow more and more dispirited.
It
is perfectly clear
to me that I am deteriorating, storing bitterness and spite which
eat like acids at my endowment of generosity and good will.
But the seven months' delay is only one of the sources of my
harrassment. Again, I sometimes think of it as the backdrop
against which I can be seen swinging. It is still more. Before
I can properly estimate the damage it has done me I shall have
to be cut down.
Dec. 16
My father-in-law, old Almstadt, came down with a bad
cold and Iva, knowing how inept her mother is, asked me to go
there and help out.
