How to Nurture Wholeness on the Doctoral Journey: Musings from a Tired, Hopeful ABD (All But Dissertation)
Starting a doctoral journey is a huge commitment. While I knew this before I started my program, I don’t think I fully understood the extent of this commitment until I was in it. There is a constant onslaught of assignments and tasks to complete, as well as milestones to hit. The journey seems never-ending, from completing coursework to passing the comprehensive exam, figuring out the dissertation topic, identifying committee members, and defending the proposal. As I enter my fifth year, I realize that pursuing this doctoral degree has come at a significant opportunity cost. It has led to slower financial advancement, strained and distant relational dynamics, compromised health, and a persistent feeling of guilt during my downtime, always thinking about what I could be doing to get one step closer to the degree.
One of the main ways I have soothed myself is by focusing on the future. I told myself: “It’ll all pay off someday,” “I’ll have more time to rest soon enough,” “I’ll invest more in my community once I’m done,” “I’ll make more money because of this degree,” etc. Effective as focusing on the reward can be sometimes, I also recognized that it made me want to get to the end faster. I became less concerned with the journey and more focused on its ending and what that would bring, which doesn’t align with my values. I’ve lived enough life now to recognize that the journey is just as, if not more important than, the result. There are lessons to learn, skills to build, and feelings to feel, all of which will shape who I will be in my next chapter. To experience their full transformative power, I need to be present and well throughout this journey. So, I committed to myself that even as I make the sacrifices to get to where I want to be, I won’t lose myself in the process. I am committed to nurturing wholeness as I persist towards this degree. To this end, I’ve implemented a few practices and mindsets.
Practice 1: Find Your “Why” and Remind Yourself of It
Ideally, we all knew our “why” by the time we chose to pursue a doctorate. After all, we wrote it in our personal statements. However, the reality of the journey can sometimes cloud our vision, or our “why” can simply evolve. I’ve experienced both, and it’s tough. As someone who seeks to live a meaningful life, it’s challenging for me to keep going if I’m not sure why I’m doing it. Finishing just isn’t enough for me. So, I have meetings with myself regularly to remind myself that I chose to do this. I have agency in this matter, and I made a choice. I then check in with myself about why I’m doing this, see if my “why” has shifted in any way, and consider what may have caused this shift. In case of any shifts, I orient myself to the evolved “why”. I rinse and repeat the process at least every semester.
The first two sentences of my personal statement encapsulated my original why: “There are two things that have remained consistent throughout my life – my passion for people and my love for learning. I am an altruist who seeks to learn new ways to tackle the problems that people face, particularly those related to human health and well-being.” As I have progressed through my program, this “why” has evolved. I don’t quite identify as an altruist anymore, because I’ve learned that “doing good” is highly subjective. How I define “good” as the person seeking to do it, is more often than not different from how the people who would benefit from this “good” define it. The fact that I am affiliated with a predominantly white institution of higher education based in the United States, where identities broadly do not represent the communities I’m seeking to work with, has been a significant driver of this shift. While my passion for people and learning remains, my focus has shifted from simply “doing good” to understanding how “good” is defined and whose definition I want to align with.
Practice 2: Community – It Takes a Village
Community is essential, especially when tackling something as big as a doctorate. As an international student, I’ve had to navigate two kinds of communities: those I left behind at home and those I’ve built since starting my program. Maintaining long-distance relationships while pursuing my degree has been challenging. It’s easy to let deadlines and to-do lists take over, and I’ve missed important moments in my loved ones’ lives. It’s been a lesson in honesty and setting realistic expectations about my capacity to show up in my relationships right now.
Juggling a full-time job and part-time doctoral studies is a lot. Scheduling is key! I schedule calls with family and friends back home and use voice notes to stay connected. I’m so thankful for the people in my life who are understanding and supportive even when I can’t be present how I used to be. The connections I’ve made during the program have also been helpful. Working sessions with doctoral friends, hangouts with non-doctoral friends, and getting involved in something community-oriented, such as gym classes or volunteering with a group, have helped keep me connected. Time with friends is significant to me, and I’m learning to incorporate it into my routine creatively without letting guilt get in the way.
Another adjustment has been my mindset on community. I enjoy and value deep, meaningful connections. I have had to remind myself that it took most of my life to establish my community at home; I can’t expect to achieve the same level of connection and depth in a much shorter period. As with all good things, finding my people in my new context has taken time and effort. I’m learning to be patient with myself and others. I’m learning to enjoy the fun of more surface-level connections over mutual interests, and I’m savoring the beauty of unfolding as some of these connections become deeper over time.
Practice 3: Move!
Moving my body keeps me grounded. It helps me get out of my head and into the present moment. You can’t overthink how much you must do to finish the draft when you’re focused on feeling your muscles working or enjoying a scenic walk.
I try my best to listen to my body’s cues each day. This is especially important for those who menstruate, as our energy levels can fluctuate throughout the month. Some days, I’m ready to tackle a challenging workout; other days, a gentle stroll is perfect, and sometimes, light stretching in bed is all I can manage. Scheduling some movement on a busy day has yet to fail me. I always have a clearer mind and a lighter heart. Plus, post-workout focus and sleep are seriously amazing perks. I’m working on incorporating movement as a more consistent part of my routine. It’s a simple act, but it has such a profound impact on my overall well-being.
The doctoral journey is different for everyone. We all have unique circumstances that shape how we go through it. There is no one-size-fits-all pathway to success; take what resonates and leave the rest. As I navigate my journey, I realize that what helps me today might not always be the answer. Therefore, I’m committed to figuring out what works best for me along the way because my top priority remains taking care of myself. As I strive to finish, I hope to sustain a level of wholeness that will allow me to enjoy the fruits of my labor when the time comes.
