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Making Life Work
Midlife crisis: real — and temporary
By Amy E. Dean
Some psychologists label it midlife passage. Some midlife quest. But for those from their mid-30s to mid-50s experiencing it, the emotional, physical, and spiritual upheaval is a midlife crisis. There's the woman in her mid-30s, married young and with children, who became depressed and lost her appetite because she felt cheated out of doing the things she would normally have done if she hadn't gotten married. Full of criticism for her husband, she was unhappy with herself and her life. There's the married man in his 50s who was always known as the good guy — invariably doing the right thing, raising his children, known as a pillar of his church — who attended a professional conference and embarked on a five-year affair with a married woman.
Both cases, says Bonnie Teitleman, director of BU's Faculty/Staff Assistance Office, are people in the midst of a midlife crisis. “People who are most susceptible are those who feel they are in stale jobs or stale marriages, or nearing retirement. It's a time of powerful emotions, when needs and desires you've ignored or suppressed can come roaring into your life. There's a sense of being out of control. Dealing with it can go either way: it can do a lot of damage, or spark a lot of growth.”
The woman who felt she had missed out by becoming a wife and mother decided to return to school and eventually earned both her bachelor's and her master's degrees. She also went on an Outward Bound adventure. “She was able to reinvent herself in her professional life and stay married,” Teitleman says.
For the man in what Teitleman calls “an exit affair,” it became the catalyst that helped him realize how unhappy he had been in his marriage. He eventually broke off the affair, divorced his wife, reestablished a good relationship with his children, and eventually developed a loving commitment with a woman who was available.
Feelings of boredom, dread, restlessness, anxiety, and disappointment, according to Teitleman, can be signs of an impending midlife crisis. Some people are plagued by existential questions from their adolescence — who am I, what does it all mean, and where am I going in my life. Some engage in regressive behavior, whether it be having an affair or substance abuse. And some people do impulsive and risky things such as bungee jumping.
Most people experiencing midlife crisis want to get out of it as fast as they can. “People feel anxious, and they want to do things that make them feel less anxious,” says Teitleman. Going through this kind of turmoil is hard, but she advises them not to panic.“Don't do impulsive things or make impulsive decisions. Don't despair, and don't crawl into a bottle.”
The stereotypical male-in-midlife-crisis purchase of an expensive sports car is “not necessarily a bad thing,” Teitleman says, “if it's going to give you a lot of fun.” But there may be other changes that would make more sense.
Identifying a midlife crisis is the easy part; it's harder figuring out how to deal with it, particularly when there are often more questions than answers and each day is dominated by feelings of restlessness and a desire for something better. Teitleman advises people to talk about their feelings with family and friends, but also with someone objective, such as a physician, a therapist, or a member of the clergy. It's also a good idea to have a physical examination to check out hormonal changes and sexual performance issues that often occur at this time of life. Talking with family members can be scary, Teitleman admits, but such discussions can deepen a relationship and reconnect people who have drifted apart. Those who are single or who have different lifestyles face challenges that can be more difficult, but can likewise be eased by talking things out.
Among other things you can do is read books on the subject of midlife; such books include Gail Sheehy's New Passages, Mark Gerzon's Listening to Midlife, and Kathleen Brehony's Awakening at Midlife, to name a few of the dozens of available titles. Become a volunteer. Try something you've always wanted to do: take dance lessons, learn fly-fishing, or join a local book club. Let out your creative side through painting or photography. Spend more time with friends. Create a healthier lifestyle that includes exercising and meditating on a regular basis.
The most important thing to keep in mind, says Teitleman, is that even if you don't have the answers, talking to someone can help identify your anxiety and help you decide what changes are best. If your children are grown, moving to the city may make sense. Learning something new is also a good antidote. “Try to look at midlife crisis positively,” she says, “and do remember that it is temporary.”
“Making Life Work” is sponsored by the Faculty/Staff Assistance Office, directed by Bonnie Teitleman, and the Office of Family Resources and Boston University Children's Center, directed by Nikki Sibley. To propose topics for future articles or to express your opinion about this piece, e-mail bteitlem@bu.edu or nsibley@bu.edu.
16
January 2004
Boston University
Office of University Relations