EDA KRISEOV
A
621
"She's not talking about Fanda," said Jana.
"She isn't sure," Gabina objected. "She said herself that it's only a
game, and who can tell one bearded man from the next in some coffee
grounds?"
Why, in her youth, did she not find a single man who would be only
hers and give her children? Why does she want someone who already has
it all behind him? How many times can a person fall in love before he
wears out, before he forever debases his own feelings?
"But I love rum and want him," Gabina said.
"His wife would have to die first."
"And she won't?"
At that moment I saw a black death mask on the white background.
"She will," I assured her.
Maybe right now a woman I don't know is wishing that I would die.
I probably have all the good trungs in life already behind me. I fell in love
with my husband and I love him to this day. I've never loved anyone else
and I've never been unfaithful to him. I have children. What do I want
from these women? Do I want them to tell me that he'll come back? And
if he did come back, what would it be like? I feel pressure on the back of
my eyes and the objects in the room are getting hazy. I see mist with white
sparks shooting through it. I'd like to be home, but there's water here,
nothing but water and on its misty surface I see the head of my husband
floating toward me. I try to grab it, but it slips out of my hand each time.
r
don't feel it, but I see it for a moment and it's smiling like when we first
met, shy and happily insecure. I close my eyes and see darkness, and then a
light suddenly appears, dazzling me. I quickly open my eyes and I'm back
in the room holding a cup with someone's fate in it. A woman I hardly
know has fixed me with a gaze full of impatience. I could give her the
grace of illusion, fish her out of the swamp and place her on the grass in
the middle of a summer meadow in a circle of kindly sunlight.
What have we Jailed to Ju!fill? What did we once lose- now lost Jorever?
"I knew from the start that one of us would have to go," said Gibina.
"But he won't be here anyhow," I said. "I don't see him in this room."
Anyone could see that he doesn't belong here. The room is full of fur-
niture, little vases, little blankets. What could they possibly do with
themselves here? They would stare at each other and at the TV In a year's
time Gibina would be as fat as his wife. Perhaps love is at its best in the
first flash, when the world opens up to us again and we imagine what will
follow it. I've seen my husband's lover and she looks like me. Maybe she's
sweeter now than I am, but she won't be for long.
"I'll wait," said Gibina. "It's worth it to me. I'm a patient woman and
anyhow I know that I'll never love anyone like I love Fanda."
