254
ISE BALAsz-RAK6CZY
been given a great gift - a
Vorspeise
of true freedom. For me, there is no
hope. But for you, Madame, there may be. Pray, since you believe in
prayer, that you will find the strength to flee that room. Or, that you
will be forced to. And when you leave, take nothing - neither Katjc's
magpies nor little Sophie's picture. Nothing. Go out, naked as you
came, into the world."
We were both silent for awhile. Then, in the distance, I heard a tiny
bell. Freud stood up and offered his hand to help me rise. We said
goodbye.
Nothing, of course, was changed by that interview. I returned to
Budapest and took up my life as before. On Thursdays K. and I lunched
as usual, at Gundel's in the zoo. Sophie's eternal smile continued to float
above the unmoving clock.
I learned later that Freud was forced to leave and, indeed, did not
survive it long. From what
r
hear he tried to recreate in Maresfield Gar–
dens his old rooms in the Uerggasse. But they could have been only a
stepmother. The true cords that bound and nourished him had been cut.
Saying that, [ can weep.
9. I'm wrapped warmly in my room, lapped by its surfaces and things,
but outside [ hear the booming of the guns. Old Steinmetz came today
to reupholster the sofa, the [talian one. [ chose a pale yellow silk, scat–
tered with rosebuds. He tells me his relations in Poland have all disap–
peared.
This room is a cocoon.
All
of Hungary is, sheltering itself against the
modern world . Not that modernity is good. Like Goya's
Saturn,
it
will
end by cannibalizing its children. But before that, what will it do to us?
10. Today
r
was reading from the
Duino Elegies,
from the one dedicated
to Kassner:
[Todl sehen wir allein; das freie Tier
hat seinen Untergang stets hinter sich
und vor sich gott, und wenn es geht, so gehts
in Ewigkeit, so wie die Brunnen gehen.
I laid down the book, put on my hat and gloves, and walked
straight to my solicitor's, "So wie die Brunnen gehen." In reality, the
marriage has been over for years. But somehow that
civilized
thing has
ceased to be acceptable. No more.
