JOYCE CAROL OATES
51
I am a good runner, I can run for miles, my heart beats large
and steady in my chest, my pulses race, my muscular body grows
sweat-slick, I am pitiless toward my legs and feet; and my hands are
strong. These are mere facts. They point toward nothing beyond
themselves.
"Traitors," "criminals," "subversives," "degenerates," "enemies
of the People," "victims of aberration": these are the official terms for
those who defect from our side of The Wall. A formal death sentence
is passed upon them in absentia, and their families are subjected to
harsh penalties. (Though in fact it frequently happens that the
families, having publicly exhibited their shame and grief, and
having publicly vowed their love for and loyalty to the State, escape
the most severe penalties and even enjoy a curious sort of celebrity.
For humiliation, if it is properly absorbed, can be a sacred
experience .)
Yet I would not abandon my family. My mother and father
who lie to me, as they lie to each other; but out of necessity; out of
love. I would not abandon them as others have.
I have never seen The Wall desecrated .
I have never been a witness.
Except: I was among that crowd of schoolchildren who gawked
at the dying boy at the foot of The Wall one weekday morning. He
had tried to escape during the night and had actually scaled The
Wall-he was strong and supple, he must have prepared for his
"escape" for many months in secret - but of course the guards shot
him down, as they always do: who could elude them? They shot him
during the night but did not kill him and so he lay for hours, for
many hours, into the dawn, the morning, the mid-morning,
bleeding to death in a field of stubbled grass, and calling for help. A
high faint voice. An incredulous voice . Not a voice I recognized.
Sunday, the last Sunday of the month, is to be a Day of Grace.
My eighteenth birthday. The official proclamation has not been
made but rumors fly freely from house to house.
The Wall, in the midday sun, appears to show a certain
benevolent
aspect.
If
you stare for a very long time, your eyes held
open wide, this
benevolence
becomes obvious. Yet why has no one
remarked upon it, to my knowledge?
So few of my fellow citizens see The Wall at all.
