ANDREW GRAHAM-YOOLL
391
letter said . Of course I did no t, and do not, have a clear conscience.
Fu rthermo re, mine h as always been quite murky, clouded by the
timidity of a small man who dreams of great acts of courage but thinks
that even th e small es t step out of lin e wi ll bring dire consequences.
"Always walk alon g th e sidewalk facing the oncoming traffi c,"
was th e advice given in po litical circl es. "Wh y?" I as ked . "So that you
at leas t have an idea from whi ch car th e bullet came," was the smiling
repl y. In 1973 such advi ce was g iven seriously and foll owed earnes tl y in
Bu enos Aires. But I to ld m yself th at my identi ty documents were in
order and th a t I was guilty of no thin g; wh y would an ybody have cause
to touch me? T hen , however, a conscious whisp er to my n eurosis
headqu arters said tha t I h ad been in some pl aces, talked to some kinds
of peop le.... T here were fri ends to remind me tha t I had been to
p laces such as guerrill a conferences and the offi ces of undes irable
po liti cians and it was felt th a t h aving been to such places and h aving
written for disreputa bl e magaz ines whose pages harbo red stories by
extremi sts or homosexu als were not onl y crimes, but risks tha t onl y a
foo l would take.
Po liti ca l confli ct took more li ves and the n euros is convinced us
all-friends, peopl e in business, po liticians, and the very ordinary man
next door-tha t our telephones were being bugged-by the govern–
ment, by the po li ce, or by the gu errill as -depending on which side one
was .
A one- legged schoo lteacher I had been acquainted with some years
before, but whom I had no t seen for m an y months, answered my
greeting one day in th e center o f Buenos Aires with a controll ed wave of
the h and. Controll ed meant th e wave sho uld not be seen from too far
away and , therefore, his h and did no t ri se abo ve his waist. I stopped
him an yway and h e smil ed stiffl y, a greeting whi ch seemed to tell my
boundl ess egocentri city that he thought I was important. T h e good
feeling sli p ped away, however, when he mumbl ed "Well , yes ... I do
read your arti cles .. . . You are sticking your n eck out ... I do n 't think
I should stand by you
LOO
lon g... . Peopl e say you are going to be
sho t. . .. " He h ail ed a taxi and despite the encumbrance of his artificial
leg, he qui ckl y nego ti a ted the traffi c, crossed the street, and got into the
ca b.
It
had no t been , therefore, a smil e of admiring recognition: it h ad
been a win ce of precaution . I felt a n eed to laugh a t the in cident, to jo ke
about it, and to tell fri ends about it, trying to provo ke th eir laughter as
the onl y proof tha t th e man 's remark was not true. Months la ter I
found out th at it was .
After th a t encounter I began to listen for every car that slowed
