Phyllis Rose
PORTRAIT OF A WOMAN OF LETTERS
Although photographs show her invari abl y elegant, wear–
ing cl othes on her long lean frame with negli gent grace, Virginia
Woolf always felt shabby and una ttracti ve. She was not comfortable in
life. Things tha t o ther peopl e do easil y, without thinking, such as
going to a store to buy a dress, could be difficult for her, sometimes
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insurmountabl y so. She had to construct normal ges tures painfull y, as
o ther people painfull y write p rose.
In
some ways, her grea tes t personal
triumphs were in the realm of the absolutely ordinary, like hi ring a
governess for her sister 's children . Performin g such an act, she felt she
had successfull y impersonated what she never beli eved she was, a real
woman .
Her husband treated her, and she usuall y trea ted herself, like a
fin ely tuned mechani sm constantl y in danger of fl ying apart.
If
she
stepped too hard a t an y point, if she worked too hard or slept too little,
got angry or jos tl ed routine, the nitroglycerin inside her bra in would
expl ode. From childhood she had been fearful , afraid of provokin g
disas ters, and disas ters had come. H er mother had died, then her sister
Stell a, and then , at a time of confused feelings about him, her fa ther.
The magical associa ti ons of childhood, according to whi ch one's ev il
thoughts alone can cause di sas ter, never left her, so magical prohibi-
tions marked out her path th rough adult life.
If
she revea led herself,
all owed people to see her as she reall y was, terribl e things would
happen , either to herself or others. People would jeer a t her and she
woul d go mad, or someone would di e. She could not speak openl y of
her feelings. She envied those, like Ethel Smyth , who coul d, and ye t, so
terrified was she of open conflict, tha t she preferred to lose a fri end than
to endure a "scene."
Hatred , love, and fear were transmuted in to faintl y malicious
banter. Irony and ladylike manners served as cosmetics for the soul. So
much energy went into self-concealment and the construction of a
charming fa<;:ade, tha t littl e energy was left for imagina tive sympa th y.
Like many people who are acutely res ponsive to o ther people's
reactions to them , she was sensiti ve to nuances of ges ture and appear-
