NATASHA SPENDER
41
was an emin entl y safe di strict in those days. But he clun g obstina tely
to
visions o f a viol ent burgla ry o r way lay ing in spite of a ll reass urances.
We all a ttributed th e anxi ety to the recent events which had made
him so suicida l, and no doubt they had made things wo rse. But as we
came to know hi s life-history it was clear tha t he had a lways had an
anxi ous tempera ment. His mo ther had divo rced hi s drunken and
violent fa ther, taking her seven -year-old son to En gland to live with her
mo ther and sister in Dulwich-in a middl e-cl ass household of hi gh
Vi cto ri an rectitude, where they were made
to
feel like disgraced poor
rela tions. Raymo nd always ta lked of hi fa ther as a "swine," his
mother as a "saint," and of his own schooldays a t Dulwich Co ll ege
with pride fo r hi s intell ectua l p rowess, parti cul a rl y as a class ical
scholar, and fo r his character of excepti ona l sexua l purity. T he self–
control of the Arn o ld tradition , combined with the chas te and dea th–
laden images of the Tennysoni an Arthuri an legends which inspired
Raymond 's earl y poetry, was a dominant influence throughout hi s life,
des pite his migra tion to themes o f Califo rnian vio lence, sexua l free–
dom, and corruption. From hi s remini scences it seemed clear tha t a t
too earl y an age he was made to feel tha t he was " the ma n o f the
famil y" in this h o useho ld of women , at the same time pro tecting hi s
mother and sha ring the humili a ti ons she suffered from the mo ra lizin g
condescension of his aunt and grandmo ther. Clini ca ll y thi s kind o f
childhood situa tion is often recogni zed as a determining facto r fo r la ter
homosexu a lity. By hi s own account this was no t so in Raymo nd 's case,
though its strenuous repress io n mi ght have accounted fo r the a lert and
vehement aversio n he a lways went o ut of hi s way to express towards it.
This may be why we a ll , witho ut a second tho ught , assumed tha t he
was a repressed homosexua l, too facil e a conclusion perhaps, but
backed up by the fact tha t fo r a ll the jo ll y ta lk (" the sex-in-the-head
where fortunately it rema in ed ," as Alison described it ) he didn't ever
make the sli ghtes t advance to any o f us no r to any o f o ur fri ends. But
then he had seemed from hi s first a rriva l to be a psycholog ica l and
phys ical wreck, who aroused onl y our ma terna l compass io n .
In the cold mo ra listi c a tmosphere of the Dul wich ho usehold he
could hardl y have fa il ed to acquire a self-punishing conscience so tha t
he was no t onl y anxio us, but a lso anxi ous to succeed , to ga in a pprova l.
Traces of hi s need for ma tern a l approva l rema ined in hi s demeano r in
old age, for I remember one afternoon a t a sw imming poo l in Pa lm
Springs when after each di ve he made, he would come to wh ere Evelyn
Hooker and I were stretched o ut on cha ises-longues, like two dowagers
doing our embro idery, and would stand wa iting until we to ld him
