354
PARTISAN REVIEW
though seldom in detail: it was a school of the dance, vibrations in
vapors or ripples around rocks ; it was streaks in cloth, they said; it was
speeding clocks ; it was clouds in chambers, ozone after lightning; it
was wow, ow, ouch; it was apples on vacation from their cores. And the
things in nature which proved most mute were therefore most sound ,
were in equipoise and balance like the billiard before its score, so equal
and so uniform it was impossible
to
guess where a lean might come
from or what tilt it might topple toward. Scrape, scratch, rasp: it was
this inefficiency , this illness, this grumble in the works, which caused
the uproar-indigestion , for instance, arthritis, epilepsy, ulcer-so
that Hess felt sometimes that if the world would fall silent, she would
be silenced . The hope led him
to
let his watch stop , although she said it
kept on keeping time , and this was yet another reason why he double–
washered taps , over oiled hinges, smothered the sharpener, and
carried things out of the house tightly wrapped . He had long since
ceased
to
smoke because Ella complained of the foggy swowl in every
draw , the ploan like a stormhorn in every puff. Now he went
to
the
garage
to
grind his teeth . If you're all so big about the Spirit, Ella , he
said, why are you all so physical, hey? why so gut and head sick , so
eager to hear the earth? and why are you each so ugly : you're either
flat-faced or fat, thin-haired or moppy, lime-lipped, gum-gray, the
teeth spilled in your mouth like a damp pan of beans, not elegant , not
opulent , not delicate , not shy, no ma'am, rather wart-, wen- , and
liver-spotted , vein-roped, yeah, albino-eyed, allergic, snivel-nerved
and pukey, with tits loose and shriveled as emptied balloons, man-oh–
man, or melted and sloping, uddery, why? drunk on disapproval , are
you? and is every pain a blessing like a boy scout's badge for merit?
proud-I guess so-vain as if you were a Beauty , spoiled in the same
way as aJewish Princess, still I wonder how you came to be so fuckless if
so female, hey? so juiceless, dryas oatmeal overboiled , oh even your
stout ones like Madame Betz have dustbowls standing in their bellies ,
even inJuly when every skin is slithery, cunts closed and lying buried in
their sweaty secret hair like clams in silt, hey? and you have the gall to
despise me for guzzling beer at the ballpark and playing with my toes.
It
was the only time Ella had ever raised her fist against him, and
hadn't he fetched her a good one , but there's really no use talking to
her , Father , to hammer some sense, because she won't listen
to
me.
She hears muscles jumping in my jaw ; she will hear a hair gray, milli-
