PARTISAN REVIEW
511
There a re certain functions the baby requires others to do for
him, which cuts into his independence of action. His diaper, for ex–
ample. He scours the city for someone who will change his diaper with–
out asking in return an excess of g ra titude.
H e leaves a notice in the Personals column of an underground
newspaper. "Groovy ba by, Capricorn, interested in meaning of life, seeks
ma ture couple for intima te exchange."
A gray-ha ired woman, a former mother, says that there is nothing
in the world she would rather do th a n change a baby's diaper. H er hus–
band adds. "My w ife's an angel when it comes to children . She spoils
them si ll y. "
The baby put himself in her hands. She is a bit clumsy from being
out of practice, but there a re ce rta in things, as she says, that you
never forget. When she pins the diaper to his fl esh he lets out a howl
which causes several fire trucks to come rushing in their direction.
Done ( the mista ke corrected ), she hugs him and says, "You poor
baby, did you mum and dad dese rt you, sweetheart." She hugs him
breath less.
When she releases him, the husband unplugs the baby's thumb
from his mouth . "Now you look like a big boy," he says.
When he is by himself aga in the baby returns thumb to mouth.
The ma ture couple insist on buying the baby a gift, something
useful yet out of the ordinary, to remember them by. "Wha t do you
need, sweetheart?" the woman asks the baby. "Give us some idea what
you want."
"A cookie would be nice," says the baby.
"Babies never know what they want," the husband says. "You
give them something and then th ey want it. Sometimes they don't want
it just because you give it to them."
After long discussion, the coupl e decide on buying the baby a giant
piggy bank to teach him the value of savi ngs. The husband removes
the baby's thumb from his mouth . "With a bank like that you don't
need to suck your thumb." The baby goes off without the piggy bank -
it is too heavy to ca rry - and the police a re ca lled, the couple hea rt–
broken .
"All we want, officer, is to give this baby this token of our af–
fection . After th a t you can do what you want with the young fellow."
"Who does this baby belong to?" asks the officer.
The streets of the city a re fill ed with people who have no answer
to the policema n's question.
" If
he belongs to no one, we'll have to
run him in." There are a few who la ugh ; others go about their business
buying Christmas presents or not buying them.
The piggy bank and baby arc taken to the station for questioning.
The mature man a nd woman come a long as materia l witnesses.
Someone is guilty, the chief of police says. The diaper the lady
