532
RUSSELL
BANKS
The problem, for me and in many ways for the people around
me, is that when I
am
able to speak of it, that is, in the fall and at
the beginning of winter, it's only because I have just regained my
full strength. I believe this. The spring and summer healings have
brought me to a point by late fall where once again I feel like a
solid block of ice, and the world around me has distinction and, of
itself, variety. This for me is a time of unabated pleasure, which can
be broken only by my reminding myself of how precarious a time it
is, and how brief.
What's going on? my wife has asked me. No, really, what the
hell is going on?
I don't know what you mean. Nothing. (There's little else I can
say at such a time. )
You know damned well what I mean. This silent bit. It's not
exactly something new to me, you know.
It
could be kind of cute,
if
I happened to be meeting you for the first time. But I'm not meeting
you for the first time. I'm your wife, remember? And we've been
together for quite a while now. So what's going on?
Nothing. (I was sitting in the chair by the kitchen door, water–
proofing my boots with Neatsfoot Oil. At daybreak the snow had
started falling. Now, three hours later, two inches of fine, hard
powder had accumulated.)
Who are you? Gary Cooper? Can't you say anything more
than
nothing?
I've heard nothing but monosyllables out of you for the past
three weeks!
Sorry. (I pulled my boots on over my Norwegian wool socks.)
My wife sat down at the far end of the kitchen table, her elbows
on the table and her chin resting on her fisted hands. She looked
slightly angry, flirting with fear. Are you going to
talk
to me? I know
something's happened. I've been through this before with you. We
both have.
What are you talking about? I asked, standing in my boots,
wiggling my toes inside. (When your feet are comfortable, your entire
body relaxes and enjoys your feet's small pleasure vicariously.)
You
know
what I'm talking about!
Guilt!
She hissed the word
at me without moving her lips or teeth, and I knew that she had
flopped over, from anger to fear.
Ridiculous, I said, smiling. Guess again.
Don't you take me lightly.
