680
THALIA SELZ
pantingly detennined. The act .took place in our garden hammock:
no mean accomplishment. Because of the lurching, swaying ham–
mock, he couldn't scramble out of his clothes, and I never got to
see what he really looked like, but it didn't much matter. I
was
made, initiated, deflowered, uncherried: no longer a silly, giggling
virgin like most of my friends, surreptitiously passing around dirty
paragraphs about creamed bananas, but a woman, a queen, or
at least a princess.
The boy, somewhat to my surprise, had got genuinely excited;
he wanted to meet again. I held up my chin, gazing off into the
delicious landscapes beckoning me on, and said no thank you. I
was a princess, wasn't I? Casual dispenser of ladies or tigers. Some–
times ladies (myself) but quite frequently tigers, too.
I was wise enough not to sleep around. Some tatter of dream
remained around my shoulders like a leash, and I was also aware
that I must protect my reputation. The world couldn't get
too
familiar with a princess, or she would lose her power. I learned
that Vasiliki permitted the most extraordinary liberties without
ever "going the whole way." I didn't despise her. She was a good
Greek girl: just didn't have the soul of a princess. It wasn't her
fault.
One day when I went to drop off at Joshua's a box of cookies
Mother had packed for him-she was always putting up
extra
batches of cookies for other people: "our Joshua" or "our
Mari–
anne"-I found two small canvases propped against the sofa-back
in his one-room apartment. They were still tacky: I could smell
the turpentine. I was relieved that he didn't look at me as I
stared at them, because I didn't like them.
But when I dropped in again, perhaps two weeks later, he
was openly at work on some boxes. The top of his only table looked
as
if
he'd just turned the waste-basket upside down on it.
I said "Joshua!" I was so excited I bent down and kissed
his
cheek.
Again he didn't look up, but he said with his smile-"TheD
this one y;ill be for you."
He brought it round the following week,
and
it
was
"Little
Side-Dream,"_exactly as it had been, even to the black curl.
