THE HYPNOTIZED PEOPLE
317
About this time, too, I suffered a public humiliation in col–
lege. Again, English was connected. It was during our essay period.
The professor, a woman, looked upon me as an undesirable
element in class and was waiting for an opportunity to ridicule
me. The trouble was I was always first with my essay.
That day she found me brooding, chewing on the end of my pen.
She asked me, "Have you finished your essay?" I stood up and
replied, "My pen is leaking, madam." I was summoned to her
table and made to stand facing the class. She pointed to me and,
not concealing her delight, said, "This boy has been learning
English since the age of four. And yet, if I were to ask him a
simple question like, 'Where are you going?' do you know what
he'll reply? He'll reply, 'My grandmother is dead, madam.' (She
waited for the class to stop laughing.) I ask him if he's finished
his essay and he turns round and tells me his pen is leaking! When
will you learn to speak in English, boy?" Everybody enjoyed my
mortification. But the confusion in my mind was the result of
something deeper than ridicule; it was the result of a painful dis–
covery. I felt that evasion was an instinct native to me; precision
had to be earned, precision was a sign of civilization. I was speak–
ing English, but not
in
English. The explanation of my inadequacy
was to be found in that loaded preposition. This curious associa–
tion of the English language with two women, one developing
into inverted contempt, the other into self-pity, began, I believe,
my
sensual
attitude to English, my looking upon it as an instru–
ment of sensual analysis.
There is a morality inherent in a language. When you are
born into a language you wear this morality with natural ease:
it is your skin. But when you are forced to recognize the foreign–
ness of a language then you are in the singularly terrifying posi–
tion of being aware of a whole range of moral implications that
have to be discovered step by step. You are aware of the urge to
experience every nuance of this morality and to create a rela–
tionship with words which may not be related to your native
instincts. Every little whisper, every caress, becomes larger than
life, frighteningly charged, and the deeper you go the more hope–
less!y tongue-tied you get, until
you
have ultimately either to kill
