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PARTISAN REVIEW
very rapidly. Only his self-control, he thought, had kept
him
this long
in her presence.
"I am not," he said gravely, "a talented religious person," and
in seeking words to go on, found himself possessed by fear and shame.
"I think," he said in a strained manner, "that I came to God not
because I loved Him, but because I did not."
This confession he spoke harshly because its unexpectedness
shook him.
Lily wilted. Leo saw a profusion of loaves of bread sailing like
ducks high over his head, not unlike the loaves by which he had
counted himself to sleep last night. Mercifully, then, it snowed, which
he would not put past Salzman's machinations.
He was infuriated with the marriage broker and swore he
would throw him out of the room the moment he reappeared. But
Salzman did not come that night, and when Leo's anger had sub–
sided, an unaccountable despair grew in its place. At first he thought
this was caused by his disappointment in Lily, but before long it
became evident that he had involved himself with Salzman without
a true knowledge of his own intent. He gradually realized- with an
emptiness that seized him with six hands-that he had called in the
broker to find him a bride because he was incapable of doing it
himself. This terrifying insight he had derived as a result of his
meeting and conversation with Lily Hirschorn. Her probing ques–
tions had somehow irritated him into revealing-to himself more than
her-the true nature of his relationship with God, and from that
it had come upon him, with shocking force, that apart from his
parents, he had never loved anyone. Or perhaps it went the other
way, that he did not love God so well as he might, because he had
not loved man. It seemed to Leo that his whole life stood starkly
revealed and he saw himself, for the first time, as he truly was–
unloved and loveless. This bitter but somehow not fully unexpected
revelation brought him to a point of panic controlled only by ex–
traordinary effort. He covered his face with his hands and wept.
The week that followed was the worst of his life. He did not
eat, and lost weight. His beard darkened and grew ragged. He
stopped attending lectures and seminars and almost never opened
a book. He seriously considered leaving the Yeshivah, although he was
