478
PARTISAN REVIEW
"We would be thinking," explained Pepe to Rita, "of a river in
Manila we had promised each other to go swimming in-because the
Nunc Dimittis
always made us think of going home, and going home
always made us think of that river, and of the dead pigs and dogs
that Father said it was always full of." He paused; then added: "But
though we winked and smiled we felt just as deeply, just as seriously
about that song as Father himself."
He spoke with a sad earnestness, as though defending himself.
He
felt the emptiness of his father's silence. In their different ways, they
had all betrayed and forsaken the old man-their mother had died;
he, Pepe, had turned to horses; Tony had turned to God. They had
become, as they grew older, more and more restive under the old man's
brooding monomania. They had apostatized, leaving the old man to
carry on his cult alone ... Now the cult had abruptly come to an
end; the candles had all been extinguished and removed. There was
only a vacant darkness, a vacant silence.
"Oh, I should have gone along with him!" he cried aloud.
"Don't blame yourself, old man," said Tony. "Father wanted to
go alone."
"But only because he knew we didn't share his dream any more."
"There was nothing we could have done."
•
"We could have protected him from whatever it was that broke
his heart. And how can we help him now when we don't even know?"
"But, perhaps," said Rita, rising and collecting their cups, "he's
just exhausted from the trip. Let's give him time to rest up. Then
we'll find out what happened."
"He won't tell us," said Pepe, remembering the vacant look. "Don't
you see he doesn't even want to remember?"
"Take it easy, old man," said Tony. "Our father's a brave man.
He'll get over this. He got over harder heartbreaks, didn't he?"
"I'll take these cups out," said Rita, "and then you boys will have
to take me home."
"I'll go take a look at him a moment," said Tony.
Left alone, Pepe rose and stood by the window and thought of
his father standing up very straight for the
Nunc Dimittis,
one hand
over his heart ... When Rita returned from the kitchen he helped her
into her boots and coat; they did not say what both of them were
thinking: that this might mean they would have to postpone marrying
again.
Tony came back and announced that the old man was not sleep–
ing. "I thought he was, but when I stooped over him I saw his eyes were
open. So I said, 'Papa, Papa.' But he didn't seem to hear me."
