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PARTISAN REVIEW
and could "keep order." He was followed about by a group of
toadies who nicknamed him Strong Man.
One day, when we were taking off our overcoats in the chang–
ing-room, Hall picked on me for some reason. I "answered him
back," whereupon he gripped my wrist, twisted it round, and bent
my forearm back upon itself in a hideously painful way. I remember
his
handsome, jeering red face bearing down upon mine. He was, I
think, older than I, besides being enormously stronger.
As
he let
go of me a terrible, wicked resolve formed itself in my heart. I
would get back on him by hitting him when he did not expect it.
It
was a strategic moment, for the master who had been "taking" the
walk would be coming back almost immediately, and then there
could be no fight. I let perhaps a minute go by, walked up to Hall
with the most harmless air I could assume, and then, getting the
weight of my body behind it, smashed my fist into his face. He was
flung backwards by the blow and some blood ran out of his mouth.
His always sanguine face turned almost black with rage. Then he
turned away to rinse his mouth at the washing-basins.
<CAll right!J>
he said to me between his teeth as the master led
us away.
For days after this he followed me about, challenging me to
fight. Although terrified out of my wits, I steadily refused to fight.
I said that the blow in the face had served him right, and there was
an end of it. Curiously enough he did not simply fall upon me then
and there, which public opinion would probably have supported
him in doing. So gradually the matter tailed off, and there was no
fight.
Now, I had behaved wrongly, by my own code no less than his.
To hit him unawares was wrong. But to refuse to fight afterwards,
knowing that if we fought he would beat me-that was far worse:
it was cowardly.
If
I had refused because I disapproved of fighting,
or because I genuinely felt the matter to be closed, it would have
been all right; but I had refused merely because I was afraid. Even
my revenge was made empty by that fact. I had struck the blow in
a moment of mindless violence, deliberately not looking far ahead
and merely determined to get my own back for once and damn
the consequences. I had had time to realize that what I did was
wrong, but it was the kind of crime from which you could get some
