SUCH, SUCH WERE THE JOYS
517
I never had any answer except a miserable "No, Mum," or
"Yes, Mum" as the case might be. Evidently it was
not
straight,
the way I was behaving. And at some point or other the unwanted
tear would always force its way out of the comer of my eye, roll
down my nose, and splash.
Bingo never said in plain words that I was a non-paying pupil,
no doubt because vague phrases like "all we've done for you" had
a deeper emotional appeal. Sim, who did not aspire to be loved by
hi~
pupils, put it more brutally, though, as was usual with him, in pom–
pous language. "You are living on my bounty" was his favorite
phrase in tllls context. At least once I listened to these words between
blows of the cane. I must say that these scenes were not frequent,
and except on one occasion they did not take place in the presence
of other boys. In public I was reminded that I was poor and that
my parents "wouldn't be able to afford" this or that, but I was not
actually reminded of my dependent position. It was a final unan–
swerable argument, to be brought forth like an instrument of torture
when my work became exceptionally bad.
To grasp the effect of this kind of thing on a child of ten or
twelve, one has to remember that the child has little sense of propor–
tion or probability. A child may be a mass of egoism and rebel–
liousness, but it has not accumulated experience to give it confidence
in its own judgments. On the whole it will accept what it is told,
and
it
will believe in the most fantastic way in the knowledge and
power of the adults surrounding it. Here is an example.
I have said that at Crossgates we were not allowed to keep our
own money. However, it was possible to hold back a shilling or two,
and sometimes I used furtively to buy sweets which I kept hidden
in the loose ivy on the playing-field wall. One day when I had been
sent on an errand I went into a sweetshop a mile or more from the
school and bought some chocolates.
As
I came out of the shop I
saw on the opposite pavement a small sharp-faced man who seemed
to be staring very hard at my school cap. Instantly a horrible fear
went through me. There could be no doubt as to who the man was.
He was a spy placed there by Sim! I turned away unconcernedly,
and then, as though my legs were doing
it
of their own accord, broke
into a clumsy run. But when I got round the next comer I forced
myself to walk again, for to run was a sign of guilt, and obviously
