792
PARTISAN REVIEW
finished this, tear it up, scatter it to the ocean, leave my poor secret
to the sea!" and I never managed to refuse to come, to peer, to en–
dure the ignominy of eavesdropping), while Hal beamed at us and
nodded and nodded and beamed.
The beginning of the evening was a history of failures at com–
munication for all of us, and for me, the particular strange business
of my hands; dry and inept they betrayed an embarrassment my head
surely did not share, and I watched them with a detached wariness,
prepared to wince at their blunders, as at the gaucheness of friends
one has at the last minute inadvisedly taken along on a visit.
"Carrie's just got back from a trip to Russia," Hal would begin.
"Yes, it was most interesting. I really think-"
"Oh for God's sake, not your political opinions, Carrie! The
Schoolmarm's summer abroad," and Carrie, silenced, would try to
dissolve in the deliberate vagueness of a smile the clumsy act of ag–
gression and her inability to resent it. Then, for a little, silence.
Or Hal would lean toward me suddenly, "A little different than
Vergil class, eh?"
"Yes, a little different."
"A damn sight different."
"I can't get used to it." I unknotted my hands that had clasped
themselves unwittingly in pointless, gnarled despair, "I can't get used
to it."
"Carrie brought back some Vodka," Hal said, "pretty potent
stuff, no crap. We'll try it later."
It seemed a prospect, a promise and I smiled for it. "I'd like to.
I've never tried the stuff myself."
There was more, but it was no use; we finally turned to the
bookcases, caressing the sleek new backs of the books Carrie had
bought for Hal; in their dust-wrappers still,
all
equally shiny and
unabused, they seemed a little unconvincing, like the virgin array
the local bookstore lends to the amateur dramatic group for its in–
terior set; but touching them we evoked the hope that their bright,
mechanical surfaces might someday be subdued to use. Meanwhile
they remained merely-loot.
We could hear Carrie messing about in the kitchen as we looked,
and that somehow kept our words sparse, our tone subdued, though
