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PARTfSAN REVIEW
fectly-but with his other hand he may record what he sees beneath
the wreckage, because he sees different things than the others see and
more things, for he is dead in his lifetime. This presupposes that he does
not need both hands, or more hands than he has, for his struggle with
despair.
October 20.
A dream, brief, in a convulsive, brief sleep, I clung to
it convulsively, in immense happiness. A ramified dream containing a
thousand relationships that became clear simultaneously, in a single
stroke; what remains of it is barely the recollection of the basic feeling:
My brother committed a crime-murder, I think; I and some others
had part in this crime; retribution, resolution, release approaches from
afar, it looms larger and larger, its ceaseless approach is heralded by
many signs, which I hail with mad exclamations, the madness increasing
as the presence comes closer. My single exclamations were short sen–
tences: I thought that because of their obvious relevance I would never
be able to forget them, and now I no longer know any one of them exactly.
They could have been only exclamations, because it cost me a great
effort to speak, I had to blow up my cheeks and twist my mouth, as
though I had a toothache, before I could bring out a word. The happi–
ness consisted in retribution coming and my welcoming it, free, con–
vinced and happy-a sight that must have moved the gods, and this
emotion of the gods moved me in tum almost to the point of tears.
October 21.
It was impossible for him to enter the house because
he had heard a voice saying: "Wait until I lead you." And so he was
still lying in the dust before the house, although his case was past hope
(as Sarah would say).
Everything is fantasy, family, office, friends, street, everything is
fantasy, either remote or close, woman; but the most immediate truth
is only this, that you are pushing your head against the wall of a win–
dowless and doorless cell.
October 22.
An expert, a specialist, one who knows his role, a
knowledge, to be sure, that cannot be communicated, but that fortu–
nately everyone can do without.
October 23.
A film of Palestine in the afternoon.
October 25.
My parents were playing cards; I sat there alone,
entirely the stranger; father said that I should play too or at least
watch the game; I excused myself in some way. What was the meaning
of this refusal repeated many times since childhood? Community life,
