THE PRISON
181
no matter what happens,
if I could live over another life I wouldn't
want to
be
anyone but Dietrich Berger.' ... "
"I wouldn't want to be anyone but Dietrich Berger," Walter
repeated .softly. "It is possible for man to care deeply-fanatically–
about his own self, even when he is already separated from life...."
From outside, through the rainy evening, came the idiot cries of
the chickens. Walter reached his hand toward my father, ques–
tioningly:
"And you have no reason to think that during the day that
followed, some ... happening...."
"The suicide was in the 'no matter what happens'."
"Just the same, you didn't suspect anything? (I say only: sus–
pect.... ) "
He said: suspect; that was all, simply suspect; nothing more
than suspect.
"I was convinced that people who talk about suicide never kill
themselves."
The man, my father thought bitterly, to whom my few moments
of success or happiness gave more joy or pride than to any other in
the world.
Walter murmured in a tone of recollection, the immobility of
his mouth accentuated by the low light:
"Still one does recognize death, when it has struck often be-
fore.... "
"I had never seen a man die to whom I was attached."
"But those Balkan peoples . . . violent, agitated.... "
"I have come from Central Asia. The life of the Moslems is a
stroke of chance in the universal destiny: they never commit suicide.
It's true I have seen many of them die, in Tripolitania. But the ones
I saw die were not my friends."
Outside, the drops crackled on the flat leaves of the spindle–
trees, as on paper; at regular intervals a heavier drop, falling from
some gutter, resounded.
"When I was a child," Walter said in a low voice, "I was very
much afraid of death. Every year that has brought me closer to it
has brought me closer to indifference in regard to it.... It was Jou–
bert, I think who said, 'The evening of life brings with it its lamp'."
My father didn't reply. He was sure that Walter was lying; he
could feel anguish breaking through.
"Why," said Walter, "did Dietrich wish to be buried as a
Catholic? It's strange-! say only: strange . ..- and hardly recon-
