26
PARTISAN REVIEW
Ellen, you look at yourself only in mirrors. Relying on a piece
of glass the way you do, you probably have little notion of the actual
figure you cut. That day, when you were not smearing on lipstick
while looking into a compact-mirror, you were sucking the point of a
pencil, and rolling it between your lips. That you, who refuse to
write to me, should have come into my life at the point of a pencil!
Now I might almost begin to flatter you-to dwell on the image
of a girl, a little above average in height, more than ordinary in ap–
pearance, a girl, though I suspect the word, quite beautiful, standing
there in the basement among all the coughing old men, :,urrounded
by steampipes, benches, notices plastered on the wooden walls:
Be–
kanntmachung, Avviso.
And all the while this girl rolls the point of
a pencil in her mouth. Do you know, after you had caught my eye,
you stuck your tongue out at me. First the pencil, and then the tongue.
Ellen, Ellen!
It would have meant very little. It would only have been a study
in violent contrast, squalor and flirtation, sex and the relief office–
and, as a matter of fact, I was not sure at the beginning that it meant
anything more. But immediately the element of personal worth en–
tered. Almost at once I talked to you, you will recall, as though you
were more than a pretty girl with a pencil stuck in your mouth. It was
you who did the flirting, made the advances. Do I wear make-up?
Do I carry a purse full of compacts, powderboxes, lipsticks? Under–
stand, I accuse you of nothing. I am glad you behaved as you did.
Perhaps because I am not thin and old and coughing, you saw to it
that I should notice you. But it was I who saw to all the rest.
I want you to observe that you were ahead of me in the line.
When your preliminary interview was over and your preliminary
papers were filled out, you could have gone home. I expected you,
at any moment, while you were idling around the basement, I expected
you to break away, perhaps with a slight nod in my direction, and
go home. But I knew you would not. I said nothing, you will remem–
ber, I even pretended not to notice you. But how carefully I watched
you, and how pleased I was! There you were, waiting for me, and it
was all voluntary on your part, and even somewhat embarrassing.
The pretexts you invented ! First you sat down on one of the benches
and stretched and yawned as though you were tired. Then you re–
moved your shoes and rubbed your feet-such pretty feet, if I may
say, and just barely dirty! By that time I thought I might dare
