Talking can be hard: How to have real conversations

Ask yourself ahead of time:

• What is the purpose of the conversation?
• How am I introducing myself? Am I self-editing, or sharing who I really am?
• Where is the best place to have this?
• Should this be in person, through text, zoom?
• How long should I plan for? (You don’t want to be rushed, but may not want to linger.)
• How am I inviting this person (phone, email, text)?
• Do they know why we are meeting? Being transparent matters. After all, you are building a relationship.

Options, option, options. No matter what mode our communication takes, there are important things to think about. Think through which is the best way to communicate for your conversation. How important is it? Where will you be the most present and effective?

In-Person: Good old-fashioned, in-person communication. This, for some reason, seems to make many people nervous. Think about this:

• Eye contact: where you look matters. Are you showing you are present or distracted?
• Body Language: Try turning to face the person.
• Expression: Your smile, or frown, your placid expression – all send messages to your listener.
• Tone of voice: Think of how you are being received and the messages you are sending.
• Sarcasm: Sarcasm, joking, deadpan humor. All of these are modes of communication that can add to miscommunication. Take a deep breath, and just say what you mean.
• Word choice: Words have impact. Watch for expression and body language changes. Feel free to ask if you are being understood and clarify if your intention was not received.
• First-person: Speak from your experience, your heart, tell your own stories. It’s authentic and endearing.
• Communication: Keep in mind, we all communicate differently. Culture, language, personality, style, disability. Getting to know the rhythm and cadence of a conversation takes time and will be different with each encounter.

Virtual: What messages are your sending in the remote world of communication? It challenging now that we are far apart. Think about what messages you are sending and how you are presenting yourself to the person you are communicating with.

• Setting: What is in the room behind you? Messy, clean, alcohol, dirty laundry? Are you presenting the real you? Are you poorly lit or barely on camera?
• Screen: What message am I sending if my screen is off or if I keep turning it off? What does my screensaver portray?
• Presence: How do others know you are fully present? Try being overt, show them that your phone is away, your phone is off, your hands are not on the keyboards, you are alone. You “have “ them. Do you have others coming in and out of your pace that you keep speaking with? Think of the messages you might be sending.
• Body Language: Are you laying in bed slouching with bedhead? Are you sitting upright looking terrified? What about your facial expressions. As these are the only things visible, what messages are you sending?
• Clothing: Pajamas or a 3-piece suit? How are you “showing up” shows how much you care about the conversation.

Text/Email/Social Media: How important is this conversation? Do you ask someone out on a date by text? Break up by email? Post about something super personal? These are all mindful decisions. How do you decide?

• Relationship: Are you writing to your mom, your boss, or your bff?
• Importance: Are you asking if they can grab a coffee on their way, or giving a heartfelt apology?
• Privacy: Digital communication is easily shareable. So, along with asking “how important is this conversation?”, ask “how private is this conversation?”.
• Tone: It’s “virtually” impossible to intuit tone in email or text, to hear sarcasm, or have thoughtful, deep, or meaningful communication.
• Language: emoji, paragraphs, or prose?
• Agreement: For newer relationships, ask each other what works best.
• Clarity: When trying to reduce places for misunderstanding, try being a bit more formal, adding a few more words, and being a step more mindful in each communication. Taking the extra time can only enhance your relationship.

CURRENT CHALLENGE: masks and distancing. In this new COVID world, we can no longer rely on the rules of decorum we once knew. How do we say hello without high fives and handshakes? How do I know if you are smiling or frowning? Are you avoiding me or just staying safe? Do I hold the door for you or is that passing my germs on? Emily Post did not see this coming!

Tip: Be overt – ask for what you need – we are all in this together. Why is it so hard to ask for what we need? we matter! Try saying:

• I can’t tell if you’re smiling. How are you?
• Let’s meet outside. That makes me feel safer.
• I can’t hear you with your mask on. Can you please speak louder?
• Please pull that mask up!
• I miss you, but I need to stay healthy so I’m not going to join you.

Conversations are like good books, they have a beginning, middle, and end. Let the conversation build, start off gently, and then let the conversation expand. Think about where you want this conversation to go. Keep in mind, you want to share who you

really are and learn about who they really are.

Try one of these:

• Tell me about you.
• What has been the best part of your day so far?
• Why did you choose BU?
• How has your life changed since you’ve been here?
• What matters most to you in friendships?
• Where do you like to go when you want to be thoughtful?
• If you could sneak into the cafeteria and whip up any meal, what would it be?
• Tell me about a day that you will never forget?
• What inspires you?
• What is the most important thing I should know about you?
• When you were a kid, what did you think life would look like when you grew up?
• Tell me about your family.
• Tell me about where you grew up.

Be honest: If you are nervous, it is totally okay to say, “I’m nervous starting conversations.”

You’re interesting just as you are: Sometimes it’s good to reflect on what makes you you first. This poem is a great tool to use to walk back in time and think about the experiences and stories that helped shape who you are. Try this exercise to help uncover some of your “interesting”: I Am From

Tips for effective and present listening in conversations

• Good faith: Listen and speak from your heart and try to suspend judgment. Listen with the intent to understand.
• Turn off the world: Turn off your phone, shut down your computer, close the door. You can write down what your next step is on a project so you won’t keep thinking about it.
• Be overt: Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need.
• If you can’t give your attention, say so: If you are too busy to talk, be honest and set up another time
• Listen without interruption: Give them time to just talk freely, to tell their story
• Listen like you: If you need a minute to think before responding, just say so.
• Self-talk: Try not to let interfering thoughts, assumptions, and biases enter your mind. Just be there to listen.
• Be curious: Ask open-ended questions with genuine curiosity about the other person.

• History: Remember, history brings us to where we are today. Your triggers and assumptions are yours. Take time to make sure you are responding to what is currently happening. Many of us react based on past experience or on what we think the other person is thinking, feeling, or asking of us.
• Misunderstanding: All too often, a simple misunderstanding can grow into conflict. Take the time to clarify. Try these phrases:
  • Did I hear you correctly?
  • What I think you are saying is…
  • I am having trouble understanding, can you please rephrase?
• Assumption: You cannot know what someone else is thinking or feeling unless you ask. Many conflicts begin from basic assumptions.
• Judgment: We are all judgers, it’s part of what makes us human. We sense danger, and it’s fight or flight. But often, our first impression is a judgment that blocks us from really listening or learning about the other person. We rule someone out or place them in a group in that first moment. This can set the tone for the whole relationship and can increase the chances that conflict will occur.
• Not being present: When your mind is full of other thoughts and worries, when you’re looking at your phone or need to be somewhere else, when you’re thinking of another or worried about judgment and self-censoring, when you are fully protecting yourself, you cannot be present in the conversation. Without being present, you will miss what the other people are saying or give them the impression that you don’t care.

Empathy is often said to be feeling with someone. The ability to sense emotions coupled with the ability to imagine what they may be experiencing. Empathy is an important tool in communication. How often have you begun a conversation, only to have someone say, “I know exactly how you feel” when you haven’t even explained it yet. These moments can stop a conversation in its tracks. Try these exercises to help develop your empathy:

• Think about a time when you felt hurt. Even though it’s uncomfortable, try not to push the feeling away. Sit with it. Remember what you were feeling at that moment.
• Ask for honest feedback from a good friend.
• Start listening, stop speaking. Focus on listening, especially when you want to comment or contradict.

The On Being Project