When Your Adult Child Doesn’t Want You

in Uncategorized
July 13th, 2012

“Alison won’t see me.  She tells me that she hates me.” says Sally, a 67 year old divorced woman. Sally says that Alison has always been high-strung and emotional, but Sally is still sad that Alison chooses not to have a relationship with her as she gets older.

Alison always felt that Sally favored her sister Mary, who is two years younger.   Sally’s marriage to her husband was strained for many years and she coped by attending school and nurturing her two girls.  She believes that she was an excellent mother to them.  When she met “the love of my life”, she left her husband and moved in with Ralph, telling herself that the girls were in college and launched into adulthood, that she was leaving her husband, not her daughters.   However, both girls were furious with her, accusing her of abandoning the three of them, a belief the husband perpetuated.   Sally and Ralph moved out of state while the girls comforted and cared for their father.

Twenty years later, both girls are in their forties.   Mary and Sally have long since reconciled.  In fact, Sally and Ralph visit Mary and her family regularly, enjoying the grandchildren and helping with childcare.  She has made many attempts to repair her relationship with Alison.  In the early years of her divorce, she wrote letters, sent gifts and called.   When she came back to Massachusetts, she would invite Alison to dinner, loan her money and try to listen as Alison catalogued Sally’s many faults as a mother and wife.  Sally visits Facebook and follows Alison’s social life in pictures, which she finds hurtful and humiliating as she is never mentioned.

Sally’s painful situation is no longer uncommon.  Several recent articles suggest there are more parent-adult child estrangements today than in the past.  Why should be the case?

First, there has been an increase in self-focused behaviors and thinking in our culture.  Young people often feel that their individual needs are more important than the needs of others.    People prioritize personal happiness in a relationship rather than duty or tradition.  When a parent-child or husband-wife relationship experiences an ebb in passion, people say “I’m not happy” and simply move on.

Second, in today’s world, parents outsource many of their functions to paid helpers, reducing the amount of time they spend with each other and the resulting interdependence.  Child care, meal preparation, housework and entertainment are provided by others,  allowing the parents to work.

In addition, technology and media reduce face time and may amplify misunderstandings.  Television shows like Friends and movies such as The Squid and the Whale and Mrs. Doubtfire, Revolutionary Road, Little Children portray divorce accompanied by the reliance on friends rather than family for support and companionship.

Many adult children have personal experience of living through the divorces of their parents, exposing them to a fractured family.  Their emotional, physical, social and financial needs may have been trumped by parental needs.  They therefore came to feel that they were a low priority in their divorcing family.

Estrangements often occur when the parent is critical or disapproving of their adult child, the child’s spouse or children.   Well-intentioned parents can be perceived as controlling or intrusive if they are not respectful of their adult child’s autonomy and choices.

Meredith Maran wrote an article in AARP The Magazine reviewing recent findings of a survey of alienated children, finding that 50% felt they bore no responsibility for the estrangement, but 61% would like to resume a relationship.  Joshua Coleman, PhD has written a book, When Parents Hurt to help parents who are struggling with an angry or alienated adult child.   He argues for self-compassion “the ability to believe that, no matter how terrible your mistakes, love and forgiveness are part of your birthright and humanity.”

What can you do to heal the break?

An alienated adult child has a story about you that they sincerely believe.  Listen to the story, see if there is an element of truth in his or her complaint, and acknowledge that you were at fault.  Don’t get defensive and argue about who’s right.  Accept that he or she sees a different story.   Avoid criticism and advice.  Accept your child’s choices of partners, lifestyle and sexual orientation.   Don’t tell your children how to take care of theirs.  Don’t talk about yourself and how you may have parented.  Keep trying.  It may take some time to reach the estranged adult.

In some cases, reconciliation may not work when the child is resistant, troubled by mental illness, substance abuse, immaturity or a difficult primary relationship.  You may need to stop trying if you have reached out repeatedly and been rejected, abused or shamed.   Acknowledge reality and focus on taking care of yourself.  Compartmentalize by visualizing a box in which you can store painful memories.   Some children may believe your efforts at reconciliation offer them an opportunity to retaliate for your failing them with anger, criticism and humiliation rather than trying to negotiate a mature, respectful adult relationship.   If you stop trying, your adult child may have a chance to reflect on their behavior or see what life is like without you.  If your adult child has made it clear that they are closed to reconciliation, it may not be in your best interest to continue trying.  Your child may experience your efforts as further evidence of your disrespect for them.

Many parents misread their child’s signs and don’t see the evidence of hopefulness or ways that they could successfully begin to build a reconciliation when they are clearly there.  They may also not recognize the very subtle ways that they perpetuate the estrangement with the ways that they reach out.  However, deciding whether to give up is one of the most important decisions you have to make regarding your estrangement.

Today Sally is sad, but accepts that Alison is not in her life.   However, she finds joy and satisfaction in her relationship with her husband, daughter Mary and Mary’s family.

By Bonnie Teitleman, LICSW

276 Comments on When Your Adult Child Doesn’t Want You

  • Hey, Sally…you are kidding, right? Do you really think anyone can continue to blame their parents when they are adults for their bad behavior? My daughter didn’t learn how to be a self obsessed cheater from anyone but her own desires. She was a great, loving person for years. It was in the past two years, when she started to hang out with a bunch of women and men that had no standards or ethics that she began her change.

    I refuse to take credit for her behavior, as I don’t have control nor do I want it. We are all free moral agents in this world and have the right to make choices, good or bad. If I influenced her as you are speaking, I would influence her to stop treating her husband poorly, pay more attention to her daughter and her home and manage her finances, as she used to do.

  • My son hasnt spoken to me for 2 years. Why? Because I said his wife is a whore and a gold digger when she was 9 months pregnant. But its not my fault. My son told her! why? I have an opinion, and I have a right to say what I want. I never told my son to tell her. I have done nothing to them, they cut me off for something that should have never been said!

  • Sally (August 8) said exactly what I wanted to. I’m almost 40 and I have struggled very hard to maintain a relationship with my parents, although I’ve never cut them off. They are never there for me in a crisis and prefer to stay at parties or stay home and watch TV when I’m having a legitimate emergency and need their help (I have a serious chronic illness and young kids to care for, and sometimes I need help with the kids when my husband has to take me to the hospital.) My parents are never there for me and weren’t when I was a kid either because they valued their alone time too much. They have virtually no relationship with my kids or my sister’s kids because they always say they’re too busy, but they spend lots of time with my cousin. I can’t tell them anything or they get really defensive and turn it back around on me. I’m more than willing to admit that I’ve done things wrong in our relationship too, but never anything really horrific. If I say something that makes them unhappy – that my kids are hurt to only see them on holidays even though we live in the same town, for example, they turn it around on me and start talking to the rest of the family about me and come back and say “well the whole rest of the family thinks you’re attacking us and being unreasonable.” It’s just craziness. Sometimes the younger generation has legitimate grievances and really could get past them if only the parents would take ownership of what they do and try to make it better. Why is that so hard?

  • I agree with your advice to consider the possibility that no matter how little you want to admit it, your adult child’s criticisms of you or some behavior of yours may be valid. My SO is neither self-involved nor self-indulgent, but will soon be estranged from his mother. Why? Because she IS self-involved and self-indulgent.

    Any attempt to set boundaries, no matter how reasonable – e.g. asking her not to call after midnight unless it’s an emergency because SO has to get up at 5AM — results in tears and accusations of failure in affection and threats of suicide and the scene goes on for hours and is repeated on a daily basis until either you withdraw the limit or she finds something else to go on about.

    Unfortunately for us and her most of all, for decades, when she started a performance, my FIL simply agreed to do whatever she wanted because that was the fastest way to turn her off. I honestly think it worked so well for so long that it’s actually become her automatic reaction when she wants to manipulate people.

    I have tried to tactfully point out that he does need a bit of time to himself: he works long days and is up early, and he does all her shopping, banking, bill-paying, takes out her garbage, etc., etc. And I do mean ‘tactfully’. But none of it registers: she can’t imagine why he’d rather spend an evening alone than with her — and there’s no point in suggesting that she spend time with anyone else because unless she’s the center of attention, she’s not interested.

    Unfortunately for her, my SO has begun to feel trapped, and his impatience and weariness are rapidly seguing into active dislike. He told me tonight (I’m away from home) that for the last two days he’s stayed late at the office to avoid her. (She lives right across from us, so she knows when he comes in, and if he doesn’t come over in the next five minutes, she’s at the door.) He said that he’s starting to hate coming home because no matter how tired he is, it’s either go visit her or deal with her crying and sulking. I know how he feels: if he doesn’t go, she calls me multiple times the next day to cry and complain that we don’t love her and have never loved her and maybe tonight she’ll kill herself and free us from the burden of looking after her. I lost my own mother this year, and between her endless theatrics and being away from my SO, I’m beginning not to want to go home, either. God forgive me, I’m so tired of her crying and complaining and threatening me with suicide, I wish she’d try it and end up in hospital. We’d get a few days of peace and quiet and possibly someone would be able to restart her arrested development.

    Sorry, I did go on. Long story short, ime, sometimes adult children who detach from their parents have good reasons for wanting to get away from them and stay away. And I expect that many of them, like my mil, won’t be able to imagine what those reasons are. Sfmoe, if your children don’t want you in their lives, the first place to look for a reason is in your memory bank. It may be your children are selfish and ungrateful and oblivious to your feelings, but it may be that they see you as selfish and ungrateful and oblivious to their feelings — and with good reason.

  • Hanna Ignatowicz, you CANNOT be serious.
    Your son has done well in cutting you off. He has defended his wife against a toxic mother-in-law, which is *you*.

  • what if the estrangement is as a result of covert narcissism by your ex husband…..and he used your child against you…..so you were seen as the problem…..he wanted nothing to do with her during the marriage and once we separated he restarted a relationship with her when i went to the police due to threats he made on my life and somehow the police came back to tell me that this belonged in a family court and three weeks later i get served with court papers changing the custody arrangements with the younger two children. he got away with cutting the wires in the house and threatening me and wishing me dead and had family, my own adult child and friends to believe i was insane to say these things. life is not fair…and the truth no one wants to believe….not only did i lose custody, i have no relationship with my eldest daughter and even some of my own relatives as a result of this man’s manipulative and charming ways where no one sees the other side of him.

  • I am 61 years old. My son has not had anything to do for me for about a year. I adopted him as an infant and he’s the only child and I was a single parent. We were very close and we loved each other very much. He is now 32 year old. About 10 years ago I ended up with custody of my 7 year old great nephew and had him for about 8 years before he returned to his mother. Prior to me obtaining custory, my son was on drugs and in and out of trouble. During the time I had custody of my great-nephew, my son went to prision. When he was released he returned to live with me for a little while and both my great-nephew and my son were jelouse of each other and my relationship. My son moved out and when my great-nephew returned to his mother, I continue to help him while he completes school……my son does not want anything to do with me and won’t speak to me. I love my son very much and his actions has hurt me very much. I don’t know what to do or how to get over it?

  • I have been my daughter’s only parent since her birth. Over the years, we loved each other, although I suffered from depression and was a recluse and she also had disabilities of her own. My daughter experienced a lot of bullying at school and became quiet and introverted, especially during the high school years. When she did not cope with tertiary education, she became very unwell. In January and April last year, she attempted suicide. After fighting relentlessly for mental health service access for her, it was agreed that she would be better off in supported accommodation. This gave her opportunity to meet other young people and not be isolated. Since she moved out, she will not speak to me and this has become a very painful process. It is important for parents to step back and realise a number of things. Firstly, my daughter was completely dependent on me until she left home. She was to learn that I dominated her life, which was the truth. I felt the need to protect her because of her disabilities but at that time I did not perceive my behaviour as negative. There are other issues which need to be dealt with too. What I am trying to say is self reflection is important although it is equally as important not to crucify yourself. We all make mistakes and I don’t believe there is any such thing as a perfect parent. And there is always hope. There is now discussion with the social workers for family therapy. I go through feelings of anger, resentment, loneliness and grief. But it is our choice as to how we handle these situations. If an olive leaf is offered, take it otherwise offer it yourself. Your olive leaf can be birthday cards, little presents in the mail etc to let your child know that you still think of them. Hating your children will only teach them how to hate. We all know how hard it is when our kids reject us. It is up to us to teach them again, that we do love them.

  • It is very sad when your adult children focus on your lesser qualities (which every parent has) and not your strengths–I plan things out & get a lot accomplished about being a “doer” (cook, sew, clean, shop, businesswoman, wife, sister, daughter, stock trader, decorator–as many moms are today). They take for granted how you forgive them their shortcomings and work hard to help them out and are available whenever they are in need (will be more selective going fwd). This is exactly what I am experiencing from my adult son (26yrs) and daughter (30). Through their many phases (good and bad) I have been there to help & support them, even when I & my husband strongly disagreed with their choices, especially those that got them into dire straits. My husband prefers to walk on eggshells around them and even when they critize or disrespect him, he feels hurt and comes to me for comfort, but doesn’t approach them to deal with the problem. After years of disrespect and arrogance from my wonderful son and daughter that I love dearly, I want to be treated with respect and appreciation for working hard to feed them, prepare for their visits,always helping with funds, give advice when asked (yes sometimes when not asked)and defend them when needed. My kids are self absorbed and spoiled young adults that have had so much handed to them they think they are entitled to buy drink rounds for their friends and then have no money for shoes. They are educated, exposed to money management and wealth building, but arrogantly refuse to take responsibility for themselves or for being respectful to their parents. They need to grow up! Unfortunately, many of my well to do neighbors are experiencing similar situations. I for one, want and demand respect, not only from business associates and clients, but from my own kids, too, even if my husband doesn’t. 20 somethings and 30 somethings are behaving worse than 2-3 year olds. I grew up respecting my parents even when they did things that were not good. Respect and love go hand in hand. Am I asking for too much?

  • I am so sick of reading articles about parents that have been estranged from their children, only to have the children write comments about how horrible their parents have been. There are parents out there that have provided a good upbringing, free of abuse and filled with love that have been rejected and are in legitimate pain because of the actions of their children. Let us have a little space to perhaps find comfort in knowing that we are not alone and perhaps not always to blame for the rift. There are plenty of sites that support children. Please go visit them. Our society blames everything on the parents and parents willingly accept blame whether they are guilty or not; it’s time for the children to take responsibility for their own lives and stop blaming their parents for everything that goes wrong. That’s not to say that if a parent is guilty, they should not acknowledge it but I can honestly tell you that when my son brought up what he thought were issues, I was beside myself. He actually accused me of being controlling because as a teenager, I asked him to do something in exchange for lending him the car once. And I repeat ONCE. He used my car for 8 years after that without even asking and had the nerve t complain about that one time, which I don’t even see the issue. To top it off, I was even nice enough to pay all the expenses of the car, including gas for the first six years and asked him to pay his own gas for the last two. Keep in mind I was a single mother with bills to pay and no support from his father. That is the worst thing of which he has accused me. In the meantime, he is emotionally abusive towards me and then accuses me of doing the very things he does. The only thing I am guilty of, and I acknowledge that it was a mistake, was to spoil him. But he never once accused me of spoiling him and perhaps giving him this sense of entitlement which many young people have today.

  • Helene (Aug 21) – My story is exactly the same as yours. I could have written it. I haven’t seen my eldest daughter in over a year. I had custody of my children after I escaped an abusive marriage. My ex was diagnosed as a narcissist by a court appointed psychologist. He is charming and has manipulated my children and the court system. (I found out he sexually abused my children – that is why I left with help from police – but they have no memory of it because they were so young.) Now they think I’m the crazy one. He has forged cheques, threatened/assaulted me. The police back him up. I lose family and friends who want to stay away from the problems.
    Anyhow I pray day and night to reconcile with my daughter and it breaks my heart that she doesn’t know the truth. I dedicated my life to my children.

  • Dear Helene & Karen
    You are incredibly courageous and strong ladies to overcome narcissistic husbands. I am being divorced by one now with all the aggression, slander and gaslighting that no-one else can possibly comprehend. A narcissist and sociopath are the worst two types of human beings on the planet. Selfishness and insanity are understatements. No empathy or compassion says it all – their hearts are stone cold. My research and study lead me to wellness through God, Buddha, Tao – all the same lessons in this life. Have a Voice, you must have a voice – Write everything down, print off all the literature, the Court docs, the Police docs – give copies of everything to each of them and prove it with facts – especially literature about gaslighting – children will be survivors of narcissism also. With constant kindness by you along with your proof which is the truth, they will see – my two sons didn’t want to believe it but with gentle and comforting support for their loss of their father, they do believe me, they have compassion for me and they see the truth. I admire you and wish you every happiness.

  • My daughter is 25 years old and was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at age 15. After being married to her father for 6 years, she was born with much joy but, a year later he went to prison for 18 years. She only knew him though pictures and once went to visit him inside when she was about ten years old. We are divorced now, but I always talked about how happy we were and that he was a good man. Needless to say, when he got out (she was 20) I encouraged them to establish a relationship but he was unable to effectively communicate with her, criticized her lifestyle, and refused to see her when she flew into his hometown for a visit. She was devastated, and sank into a deep depression. I begged him to call her on her 22nd birthday even though they were having difficulties and he was very rude to me, and refused to contact her. He promised her that he would help pay for her medical insurance, then he abruptly stopped sending her the check. I explained to her what being “institutionalized” means, but she was no longer willing to try. Over 3 years later, he is trying to contact her and she is very upset, feels angry, manipulated, and refuses to connect. Her emotional state is harming her health. I am caught in the middle, and avoid giving advice to her when she calls. ( I live in a different state). I am afraid she will never love or trust any man and fear for her future. Is there anything a brokenhearted mother can do to help in this situation?

  • I simply don’t see my situation in what I read. I was a stay at home mom who had a good relationship with my son and daughter growing up. We have a loving, intact marriage. My son was very shy as a child, but we encouraged him to do sports and clubs in high school and he went to a small college where he excelled academically and socially. He moved across country and now doesn’t return calls or texts. He now has many friends and constantly needs to be doing something with them; it’s as if he is socializing to ward off returning to being shy as a child. He seems very restless, but he everything is fine.

    There’s nothing wrong with the above, let him do what he wants, but it’s his attitude toward us that has changed. He told me that friends are your real family, never says thank you when I occasionally mail him a treat I’ve baked or do something for him, and says he doesn’t call/text because if someone is not in his immediate vicinity, he doesn’t think about them (this pertains to us only as he calls his friends and is constantly putting together group activities). He doesn’t want to return home at all because he thinks we’re introverted and I guess doesn’t want to be reminded of his shy childhood. We visit him but one or two days (and only a couple hours during the day at that) and he’s ready for us to be gone. We’ve offered meeting him for holidays in the mountains where he could hike or bring a friend so he could do things that he likes, but he says he’s never had a good time on vacation until this last one he took with friends. He’s sort of passive aggressive in that he says what he doesn’t like, but doesn’t help at all by suggesting something that he does like. Refuses to suggest a restaurant, but then criticizes when we choose something.

    We keep up with what he’s doing on Facebook, but there never is a mention or photo of us or of a trip he did take with his dad last year (his sister and I did not go because he said it was difficult to “keep everybody happy”; I don’t get this because we go out of our way to do what he wants even if it is too much for me physically).

    The bottom line is that I feel like he treats me like crap and wouldn’t care if we dropped dead. He’s already said that if we are gone, he wouldn’t stay in touch with his sister because she’s not in his immediate circle. He’s 27, but is this delayed maturity or is this narcissism? I don’t think narcissism because he’s very nice to his friends and doesn’t need to have everything be about him (except for us).

  • I, too, have been mostly alienated from my two children, both now in their late 40′s. Their father and I were divorced 36 years ago and they have, apparently, decided it was my fault (ex-spouse was a womanizer) even though I never said anything of this nature…I left it that their father and I separated due to our going different directions. The ex- is a wealthy guy and has provided ample amenities to the kids, and now to the teen grandchildren. I remarried 30 years ago but my kids don’t care for my husband…and he’s a gem of a guy but is his “own man” (not a push-over). Anyway, we’ve tried to maintain a close relationship with my kids but “no go”! I cannot compete with their wealthy father and don’t want to…but no matter what I do and say (letting them know I love them), I am still the “least best” parent in their estimation. I’d like equal time for acknowledgement and respect but I just don’t get it. I’m well educated but am at a loss on how to “earn” respect and time with my kids and their offspring. I don’t live near them (a conscious move) so I don’t get involved in their daily life issues but darned if I can get them to come visit me…there’s always an excuse: you have cats (they don’t like cats); we have to work (they own their own businesses; but there’s always time off to do things with their father!); and it just won’t “work” for us to come visit (whatever that means, other than we have no “entertainment’ for them like boating, ATV’ing, etc)…you get it…excuses! They don’t phone more than once a year and I have to do the phoning in order to catch up with them in other times. I thought I’d done a pretty good job of raising them, treating them with love while exhibiting no bias (of one kid to the other), helping them with their educations (both are well educated, one with a PhD and the other with an MA), and teaching them to respect one another as well as everyone else in their world. Should I just throw in the sponge and figure it just isn’t worth my time, frustration, and general hurt over trying to glean some kind of caring and respect from my kids? I simply cannot compete with their father, and don’t wish to, so I am pretty well pushed out of their lives, it appears.

  • My 17 yr old daughter now lives with her dad and barely speaks to me. She has had a really rough time since she hit year 10 and blames me. I did some things fabulously and other terribly, like a lot of parents, I think. We do our best and try to learn to be better. Parenting is really difficult! I think being a teenager is also really difficult. I email her when I feel like not hearing back won’t flatten me. I just put a bit of love out in to the world for her. For a while there I thought being estranged would be the end of me but have worked really hard at drawing my own boundaries of behaviour I will accept and behaviour I won’t, grieving when I need to, forgiving myself and genuinely hoping the best for her. My birthday is coming up and I am not looking forward to not hearing from her on the day. Hang in there, Margaret. It doesn’t hurt like this all the time. You will start to heal. All the best xx.

  • I’m a Mother of a 38yr old daughter who has also abandoned me..

    She just left her husband last year, taking their 2 young daughters, aged 8 & 10yrs, to live with her Father & his new Wife,(whom he cheated with, after we were married for 32yrs

    ( I’m now thankful he let me go after all what he put me thru. )..

    My daughter believed me in the first place when I told her he was cheating, then later, changed her mind, saying he wouldn’t do that!.
    She cursed me something awful, saying I was telling lies, but later, I proved her wrong, when he had that woman living in our house..when I’d gone to Women’s Refuge or stayed at my sisters..
    She never apologised to me, I just let it go…as I usually did.

    After the divorce, he married the woman I’d said he was cheating with!..
    Eventually, my daughter came back as she needed someone handy to look after the girls..I didn’t mind..

    I used to look after them when ever she wanted a babysitter..day or night, they used to stay the weekends at times or if they were sick, it was no problem..I loved them, we had lots of fun together ..

    I’d thought her marriage was solid, how wrong I was..

    One night my telephone rang, I answered & heard a voice say
    ” If you ring here again,. I’ll F..k you so bad I’ll make you scream !!”..
    I got such a fright, I couldn’t speak..I was gona call the police, but didn’t .. wished I had now!!

    The next day I rang my Daughter & told her what happened..
    She then said it was her husband,( my S/In law)
    he’d thought it was kids being silly on the phone..

    I said to her, I believe he owes me an apology, for speaking like that..& giving me such a fright!!? I was gona call the pollice..

    She said “No he won’t apologise cos he thinks he hasn’t done anything wrong!”

    ( he has since they split, & we get on fine now, pity she couldn’t)

    Ever since then, her & I haven’t been able to get on, even tho I was nice to her, she was acting strange..
    (.I think her Father & his Tart has a lot to do with the negative stuff she’s doing..)

    She texted me one night & said she’d be down to pick up all the girls bedding & belongings,Toys, & things I’d bought them..

    Sure enuff her & a friend arrived, got everything I’d put out on my Wheelchair Ramp for her to collect,
    I said ” Say hello to the girls for me” then she was gone..without a goodbye, kiss my ass.. no explaination..
    I noticed she had tears in her eyes..& couldn’t look at me.

    In the end I decided to sell my flat, & move away to another town, to live with a guy whose been wonderful to me..
    He’s given me a home to call my own, I repay him by cooking & cleaning & give him someone to come home to everynight…

    He can’t believe the way my Daughter is treating me,
    he met my wee g/daughters & waw how much they loved me,
    and I do.. but I’m a Survivor.. I’ve learnt to since I was a wee girl..

    I’ve survived so many derogatory incidents in my life,
    like 3 spinal operations over 3 yrs, the last one failed, left me in a W/chair.
    My husband couldn’t handle it, in the end.&. had an affair..

    He did all sorts of things to make out I was losing my mind,

    He & my daughter got the Mental Health people to come to my house to assess me, turned out I was FINE..haahaa..
    the Mental Health ladies were disgusted the way he was talking to me..and told him so..
    I went to my lawyer and started divorce proceedings..
    I wrote it all down in a Diary..in case I write a book about it.someday..

    There’s more, but it doesn’t bring back my Daughter or Grandchildren..
    I commented to her on her Facebook page,this year, saying how much I loved her & how worried I was about her & the girls,
    She blocked me immediately ..
    I’m left wondering… Why won’t she talk to me??
    I don’t know if I’ll ever find out?

  • What I think a lot of people don’t want to hear is that sometimes “I did the best I could” just doesn’t justify everything. Sometimes it doesn’t justify anything. It just doesn’t make it all better. Sometimes it just isn’t acceptable. Cold? Yes, it’s very cold. Doesn’t make it any less the truth. Sometimes I’m sorry just isn’t enough.

    I do things a lot differently than my parents did. I have a reasonable and stable relationship with them despite the fucked-uppery and verbal and mental abuse of my childhood. I have that because they eventually admitted what was going on and got YEARS of therapy. And, frankly I was magnanimous enough to be willing to try and build a relationship with them. My brother does not, and I don’t blame him for that. He doesn’t speak to them or see them or have anything to do with them. He does not let them see his child. I don’t hold it against him at all.

    If my parents ever reverted to what they were before it would be over. I wouldn’t have anything to do with them or let them near my kids. My kids will not EVER be subjected to what I was as a child.

    Yes, our relationship is conditional–and frankly they should be glad I have one with them at all–and it’s that way because of how they CHOSE to raise me. It’s that way because of how shitty my childhood was. It might have been the best they could do at the time—and that means nothing to me. It doesn’t change anything. It excuses NOTHING. They still RUINED my childhood. I have emotional and psychological scars to this day that affect how I relate to ANYONE.

  • Mama G…I have a similar situation. I have entitled my daughter for a long time. She has a ton of money, friends and after 3 marriages met the man of her dreams with money. I have never had to give her money as she is very successful. She told me that she does not want to speak to me anymore…just like that…to the point! I wish I could find a support group to attend in person. My daughter is 41 and this is not a teenage rebellion issue. It hurts.

  • Maggie, i don’t think you know what abuse is.

  • Nance, I have a daughter the same age. She is narcissistic, she has put scars on my face, stolen my money, car, abandoned me and came back only to use me for money, and cars. She doesn’t want to deal with me unless i am giving her money. I only hear from her when she needs money. She could care less if i drop dead.

  • Kay…I most certainly do know what abuse is. I lived through it. Not all abuse is received from a fist. Frankly, I’d rather have had a beating than to have lived through some of the mental and verbal abuse I did. I’m approaching 50 and I can still vividly recall things that were done to me like they were yesterday.

    My parents finally got help. I was nearly 20, but they got help. Getting help and doing years of work on their own demons is what allows us to have a relationship now. I love them; I always loved them. Loving them doesn’t mean that as an adult I’d put up with the same behavior I was forced to endure as a child. My brother refuses to do it. That’s his right and I don’t hold it against him at all. He can’t get past it, and I won’t minimize what he went through by telling him he needs to get over it. If they ever reverted, they would never see my children again. Ever. I won’t have my kids exposed to anything remotely like what I was raised under. And, I would tell my kids EXACTLY

    Sure, kids that are selfish butt-munches who only use their parents do exist. Lots of them. And just as many parents exist who weren’t good parents and now act like they don’t understand how their children could disconnect from them.

  • If you are having estrangement problems with your children, please join us in daily discussions at:

    http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/mom-of-estranged-adult-children-all-topics/discussions

  • I share in similar story. I was informed that my oldest adult daughter does not want a relationship with me any more. This occurred a few months ago. It is painful. Words cannot express the pain. I know that God will work things out. Meanwhile it is painful.

  • Maggie
    You are to be commended for even trying to have a relationship with your parents, however your resentment of them is not healthy. Getting help for yourself and your anger at them is probably a good idea.

    I have 2 daughters and a son, all of whom have gone their own ways. The first never visited and I finally got tired of fighting her, so I was the one who said goodbye. My son is a drug addict and alcoholic who stole just about everything from my jewelry box for drugs. I tried to get him arrested, but he found out about it and now has moved to a different state with his girlfriend. His wife is in my area and my grandson is a delight. I see him every Friday come hell or high water. My youngest daughter, age 26 is alcoholic and hates me because she thinks I ruined her life. She and you probably need to start taking some responsibility for making your lives better. It’s not always up to your parents. You are what you make yourself and nothing should hold you back. Not even bad parents. Good luck and God Bless.

  • I share your pain Mary. It is the worst thing ever for a parent to have a disrespectful, ungrateful, angry child. Hopefully, before we die, they will see that there might be some good things we taught them. God Bless you and everyone here. The pain is unbearable at times.

  • JD…my life is quite good in fact–and it would whether or not my parents were in it or not. I’ve let go of the resentment and anger–which was for ME, not them. I CHOOSE to have my parents in my life because they changed. Had they not, we wouldn’t have a relationship. If they didn’t continue to do what they needed to remain emotionally healthy and safe people, then I’d cut them out of my life. It’s not my intention to come across as angry, but factual. My parents were screwed up and I had a shitty childhood because of it. That’s not me being angry, that’s me being factual. Yes, they did the best they could with what they had and they knew at the time. Doesn’t change the fact that that excuses nothing. Understanding helps, but nothing excuses what they did. Again…that’s not anger, that’s fact.

  • I read these comments with great interest. I then went to my husband and discussed the idea that, real or imagined, maybe my son has a reason for being so angry. As my husband, I began a conversation via text message. Even if my husband and I are saying the exact same thing, I am mean and hating on him, so I has to do this as my husband. I persisted for three days. I stayed string through his angry outbursts and vile insults. I just wanted him to say what it was, and when, he began to have such anger and hatred toward me and, sometimes, his father. After calling and screaming and realizing we were trying to take the blame, not put it on him, but we wanted it, what ever it was. He admitted he has a hot head and a bad temper. That doesn’t make me forget he’d just told me a week before to lose his number, while he hurled insults at me. When I asked him to not call me names, he called me more names. His behavior is our fault. He’s spoiled rotten. His father has catered to his every whim and not enforced consequences. Often making me the bad guy, or resulting in us fighting with each other and he still not having consequences. Everyone has an excuse for their inability to be kind, forgive, act out. I’ve known much worse parents with much more loving children and then children who can’t be grateful for anything. It’s in them. It’s theirs. We can’t change it. Just try to forgive yourselves, love yourselves, and stop being the whipping boy for our spoiled children’s poor character. If they don’t know we’re not appliances by the time they’re old enough to take our grand kids away, they’ll understand it when their children are breaking their hearts. Best luck to all of you!

  • I am 62 years old, my daughter has told me that I was a terrible mother, was never there for her, that she has NO good childhood memories, she shows no affection to me at all but seems to go all out to do so to her father (my ex) and my sister. It hurts, it really hurts . . I did everything I possible could for both my children, I remember lots of fun times and have good memories, yet she has none. Now all I am good for is when she needs someone to child sit (which I love) or when she needs me to do something for her . . she has been married for 12 years and I have had a meal with them maybe five times . .I help as much as I can, I pay for school shoes, kinder fees, camp fees, and try to do anything to help their lives be easier . . and I am kicked in the teeth . . they struggle with bills, I help when I can, often times going without to do so . . you know even a xxxx on Fbook would be nice . .

  • I thought estrangement from adult children was a problem that just ran in my family generation after generation. I see that it is an epidemic across the country, and perhaps the world. I believe Hollywood has cast the “mother” and “mother-in-law” characters as crazy, lazy, and stupid for so many years, that our adult children have actually assigned those adjectives to their own mothers. Our children’s generation believes that “Friends” are more important than “Family” and have thus replaced relationships from the very people that bore and nurtured them with people who will abandon them in the first real crisis they have. Fathers don’t seem to have as much trouble adjusting as mothers do when their adult children cut all ties. Four weeks ago, my 33 year-old son sent me 10 text messages ripping me apart verbally (for what he termed “snapping” at his girlfriend at breakfast) after his father and I had just treated him and his girlfriend with a week at the beach in a luxury condo. Any appreciation? None. Then, two weeks later, on his birthday, he sent me an email that totally trashed me as a hateful, spiteful, bitter, immature woman. My husband and I were devastated that we had raised a child that could speak to a parent in that way. I am heartbroken, but have come to the realization that he will never understand or appreciate what we as parents have done and sacrificed for him over the years. To him, I am “Edith Bunker” or “Mama Harper”. To himself, he’s the smartest and most mature person in the room, so trying to discuss anything at all with him is an exercise in futility. He doesn’t call or visit (he hasn’t been home since Christmas even though he lives a scant 60 miles away) and only answers his cell phone if he decides to give us a moment of his time. I love my son, but somehow, I must come to terms with his self-inflicted estrangement from us, realize that he doesn’t want his family of origin, and that he just passed through our lives for a few years.

  • weekly, my 27 year old daughter spends three nites in manhattan with her boyfriend and four nites at home so she can work nites nearby and she keeps going with same co for 7 years now. she pays for all the college classes by herself. i always help her with all her other bills because i want her to succeed. but when I read something on her website which was posted last year, about her remembering me physically abusing her, I was shocked. There were other things I then saw on her social media sites – all really embarrassing and humiliating things about me or my products I use, etc. I immediately told her to remove them. She did not. She continued defending herself and her actions. This has been about one month now and last night she raged, via e-mail, about how she hated me for 10 years and how she will NEVER respect me (I told her she does not have to like me but she has to respect me.) She has been on certain prescription meds and I believe they are affecting her and told her so, this morning via e-mail, and I also told her she no longer will be getting handouts from me, which come to hundreds of dollars per week. For most of our family life and my marriage to her father at 30 years now, her dad has always shown disrespect for me, especially when he was tired or stressed and although I stood up for myself, I now see how his behavior of never being responsible for his own actions and always needing a scapegoat, has directly affected her even at this adult age now. I am numb, just numb. I have not heard any return text or e-mail from her. Did I go too far by setting up new boundaries? I do not want to be used and abused any longer by anyone – not my husband, not my daughter, and not my son (who does resort to calling me ugly names when he does not get his way – just like his father and his older sister does). For the first time at the age of 53, I am putting me first. But is it fair to my adult kids to do this with such short notice? Am I having a breakdown?

  • I should add, I believe alienation will begin shortly for me.

  • Diane, you did not go too far. This is a generational epidemic and unfortunately, the generation we spawned feels entitled to do, say, go, spend whatever they want and never face consequences. Enough is enough. I can only hope that our pain will subside, but it would only be more painful to have ungrateful and disrespectful adult children in our lives. I will also love my sons, but they, not us, have both chosen to cut me and their father out of their lives. Life goes on. Spend those hundreds of dollars on yourself. You earned them and they belong to you, not your ungrateful daughter. We cannot buy our children’s love. That is something they have to willingly give, unconditionally.

  • I wasn’t the perfect parent, it doesn’t come with a hand book, but both my kids are grown now and both have been in drugs, lost kids, and don’t respect me and their step father at all, they lie, cheat, steal, and this isn’t the way they were raised,
    I loved and love my kids, don’t agree with their life style choices but it’s their life.
    But I refuse to sit here and be called abusive names by anyone let alone my own kid.
    I have told both I am sorry for mistakes I made, and that I am only human.
    My daughter stays away with no calls to me, we find out where she is by looking at the local 24 hour inmate online at our local jail.
    My son just blocked me from his Facebook and called me a nasty name for not giving him baseball cards and coins I said would be his when I die. Hmmmm I guess that’s a good reason.
    I agree with op ….. That wrote I refuse to accept credit for their behavior . They both have been into drugs, we never had drugs around my kids, I have been married to their step father for over 21 years. Most of both of their life. And to tell the truth I am so disappointed in both of them, I just never in a day thought it would be this way,
    I often wonder why God has chosen this for my life….. Their life, hmmmm I just cry . You bare these babies, that u carry for 9 months , care for, love, wear so many hats for, would lay ur life down for .
    And not even the respect you might give a dog.
    What can I do. ? ….. I try to live one day at a time and just say life goes on…. And I love them. But they have no idea of the pain and heartache they have caused me, and I hope they never go through it themselves .

  • I have kicked my kids out of my house for drug use and cussing me , my son even kicked me,
    I tell this because I wonder if it’s the generation of kids, they don’t seem to get anything, and don’t own up to their actions,
    I read all these stories and I am in tears thinking how can so many kids be so hateful and angry toward their parents.
    I was adopted and abused by my adoptive father sexually for yrs, mentally by my mothers words and actions toward me but still went around them when needed …. And tried to respect them as ppl. Even though they treated me like this.
    The kids that are in there 20′s and older are very self centered , non caring humans that don’t know how to show respect and for the life of me I don’t know why because all these ppl here sound caring and loving …. My heart goes out to all of you,and I hope whatever your wish is for the relationship will come true and or at least you have some kind of peace in ur heart and mind . God bless you all ,

  • my 30 year old son told me 3.5 years ago in a text that he wanted nothing more to do with me. His girlfriend, 34 at the time, told him lies about conversations we had and then after finding out I flatlined on the table during cancer surgery I received an email expressing disappointment that they saved me but that cancer would kill me yet and they hoped it was slow and painful.

    My son and I were as close as any mother and son could be before this woman came along but I have no idea if she was the reason for the split. She left him shortly after wishing me dead. That was 3 years ago. Still wont have anything to do with me. He has told my best friend “you don’t know what she did to me” but neither does anyone else and he wont be specific with anyone.

    I use to text him telling him I missed him and loved him and hope to work it out one day. Then I just stopped the sappy stuff and texted what I would tell him if we were talking. I sold my car. I bought a car. I baked a cake. What ever. But he has never responded to anything I say.

    I can say it was the girlfriend. I can say it is his father. I can say it is shame for things he cant take back. Stubbornness. Or it was something I did. But I will probably never know.

    I found out he moved 2000 miles away and now I have booked a flight to go and see him whether he likes it or not. If he wants to tell me to f**k off he will have to tell me to my face. Then I will. But I will put in that effort in hopes that he sees that regardless of what has transpired I consider him worth going to such great lengths to try to reconnect with him.

    I hope for the best, plan for the worst so Im not too devastated when I am rejected, but I will never give up on my son.

    No one can ever know the pain that this is. If you are a child of a parent that you have rejected, all I ask is that you tell them why. And be honest. They may not agree, or know what you are talking about, but it is better than wondering.

  • My daughter kicked me out of her life because I objected to her husband giving simulated blow jobs to a bare assed toddler.
    Good riddance to that piece of shit.l

  • Never thought I’d be looking up this topic but here I am. This involves my 31 year old daughter who as not spoken to my husband, son and myself for over 3 months. While visiting her and her fiancée of 4 years this past summer our one dog snapped at her dog. To make a long story short her fiancée grabbed our dog by the neck holding him up in the air trying to chock him. I immediately ran over trying to hold our dog up and begged for him to please let him go. He then threw the dog across the room, I had him in my arms and we landed in the bathroom. I thought I had broken my arm as I hit the door jam and landed on my knees. I stayed in the bathroom with the dog as my daughter got me ice for my arm. During this time all I could hear was her fiancée saying she had to get her family under control. My husband went MIA and was packing to leave for the 4 hour trip back home. No apologies from anyone. My husband left that night with our 2 dogs and I left the next morning on a shuttle. I felt so uncomfortable staying in his home and from what he said I could not stay the fours days as planned. I have reached out to my daughter nonstop, apologized, called, texted and she will have nothing to do with us. Her brother is having his first baby and she will not have anything to do with him. I have called and written to her begging for dialogue but she just ignores us. We were always so close, but I feel her fiancée has brainwashed her. He does not speak to his mom and sister so I feel this stems from his behavior. This so unlike anything I have ever been through. I don’t even believe this is my life and have a feeling I will never see or hear from my daughter again. I go from sad to angry, as I don’t know what else to do. She has even refused to go to her cousin’s wedding this November. Just needed to vent.

  • @ Lisa,

    You sound really bitter by the way you lashed out at Karinne. Actually, you sound like a lot of the parents on here that say “I just have no idea what I could have done that my child all of a sudden does not want contact with me.”

    Because the girl was not beaten by her parents, then she should subject herself to any treatment?? Then you go on to ridicule her relationships. And then you say she has a problem with “everyone.”
    Yep, you sound childish just like my mother and that is the reason she is about to lose me.

    The issue was that the mother had said she and her husband could stay until the closing. Then the other sister and her family want to move back in. Well, this second sister has a track record of moving in and out all the time. The parents may have said they would give up their room but I really doubt they were going to move all of their belongings and sleep in the living room of their own home. The second sister should have been told they couldn’t move in until the other one left.

    A lot of the people posting here sound like some angry parents. I can assure the majority of you that estrangement usually happens over time. When the relationship ultimately becomes a source of stress instead of a source of happiness, that is when the adult child leaves.

    If you had a friend that criticized you constantly, started arguments, and got defensive every time you got together or talked on the phone….would you continue the relationship?

  • … Most of the parents here care and love their kids, but the kids take us for granted, use us, abuse use, and think we should do whatever they demand of us. We are parents .
    I am not saying that everyone here has done right by their kids, I can only speak for myself, I have had to put up with lies, stealing, abusive name calling, breaking things, them getting into trouble at every turn, them going through my things, them doing drugs, quitting school, not having jobs, sleeping all day, not cleaning after them selves let alone anything in my house. Not following the rules. …… The list goes on and on…… The kids need to wake up and realize they are adults and need to take responsibility for their actions, and as you said if you had a friend that brought nothing to the friendship would you keep the friendship well we as parents are not their friend, we are PARENTS .
    As I have told my kids I will always be ur mother, and will love you no matter if ur here or there.
    I will NOT suffer and live my life for or because of my kids , my life is my own, if they want to be apart of it fine if not, well I love them but ok. As parents we give up a lot to raise kids, and no they didn’t ask to be born, but we r there through everything, we are cooks, doc, cabs, teachers, maids, and much more…. We could hold grudges for a lot but as you grow up and get older…. you realize that life is short and time is precious, when they realize this they may come around but if not it’s their choice. It took me along time to get to this point. But I am very happy and yes I miss my daughter and son but it’s their choice not mine. I live my life and smile because I know I love my kids and God knows, that’s all that matters.

    To all the parents done wrong by your kids, my heart, thoughts and prayers are with you all, go on with your life and smile knowing you did your best, enjoy your life, do what you want . You can’t change their minds, so just hope for the best, what’s ment to be will be.

  • My son took himself out of my life through a text sent by his girlfriend pretending to be him 3.5 years ago. Confusing and contrived. He was 26 and she was 34. We all knew that there was something missing in her, nothing behind her eyes, but we accepted her even after she started lying about us to my son and taking information to his fathers home to hurt his younger sister. She was much akin to my ex husbands wife and wanted my son to gravitate there where she felt more comfortable because they bash me for hours. When I was diagnosed with cancer two years ago and sent him an email to let him know I was having a double surgery. I didn’t tell him for what but thought if anything happened he would be angry no one told him. That started some very angry emails circulating because of my ex husbands wife sharing some information about the girlfriend hurting our daughter. Again…so contrived. My surgery was to take 2.5 hours…took 7. I flatlined on the table, and it took some doing to keep me alive. I did want my son to know that so I sent an email to his phone that I knew to be in her control. She responded that they were upset that they had saved me, that I was a waste of skin, and they had hoped I would just die. She wished me “poetic justice, the cancer will kill you yet and I hope it is slow and painful”. She left him shortly after, but he acknowledged that he was aware of and okay with the emails she sent me. I have no idea what I did. I can look over his entire life and imagine any number of things that I did wrong or mistakes that I may have made, things I may have done differently. I had just turned 18 when I had him but he always had a good life, we always lived with family until we owned a home when I was 22. It wasn’t like he lived with teen parents in squalor, both families were financially comfortable. We grew up together. We were as close as you could imagine a son and mother to be. I feel like I have lost a limb. He recently made a temporary move for work to another province with a new girlfriend. He is 30 years old, I thought if I flew all the way there and made contact he would at least see me for 5 minutes but he actually took time off work to avoid me when I let him know I was there by leaving a note at his work. I don’t know where he lives but I wouldn’t have shown up at his door if I did. After he acknowledge wishing me dead I was devastated. I was only a couple of days out of hospital after nearly dying. I fell down the stairs the night I got the email so I was then on quite a bit of funky medication. In my physical and emotional pain mixed with the drugs I made a poor decision. I thought I couldn’t spend the rest of my life wondering when and if you want out and you want me dead then I will push you away so that I will no longer wonder if you are coming back, I will just know you aren’t. I sent him a nasty email detailing the things that he had done over the years. Not as a child, only after he was an adult. Including repeatedly stealing from me and trying to blackmail me. Feeble attempt, cut the intention was there. I never brought any of it up before, I never held him accountable and that is my fault, but I forgave him everything always. I continue to text him, send him letters, try to keep in touch but I have no way of knowing if he has changed his number, blocked me or if he just deletes and laughs at me. I have often thought of taking it out on his father, he is perpetuating it because he loves that this has happened. His constant screw ups since leaving when my son was 12 had made their relationship sporadic at best over the years until this. Unfortunately he also cut his sister out and the father supports that as well. It is a ridiculous situation.

  • In the last few weeks I have changed my home phone and cell number because of abusive text I get from my son the day before his birthday, and delete my daughter off my Facebook for accusing me of ruining her chances of getting her kids back, and not helping my adoptive parents in their old age, these people sexually and mentally abused me when I was young. I have removed them from my life.
    I guess if my kids want to say things to me now they will have to come to me and say it to my face !

  • @Angie,

    Your statements ring so very true. After being emotional abused and financially abused by my daughter for almost 25 years, my elder aunt-who has known us both since we were small children– said 4 words to me that have changed my life and set me free. Those words were “maybe she’s mentally ill”.

    We all knew something was wrong but all the blame was heaped onto me. Sure I made mistakes as a parent, who the hell doesn’t. Nobody and I mean nobody is perfect. After all, babies do not come with manuals. I’ve acknowledged and taken ownership of my mistakes, apologized and done my best to let my child know that I would never hurt her intentionally. But nothing and I mean nothing that I’ve ever done should have caused the reaction that I’ve had to deal with from my only child. I’ve seen other families and I’ve seen mothers have relationships with their children and they have managed to forgive and move forward.

    From the research that I’ve done, she seems to fit the description of a person with narcissisistic personality disorder. Now I’m not a doctor but I can read and comprehend and I’ve had decades of obervation.

    Its more to it. I think my position in the highly dysfunctional “family” as the family whipping girl and scapegoat lead others to influence and interfer with our relationship. I was always fighting for my position as her mother. There were those who treated me with disregard and tried to run me and tell me what to do with my child. I am talking childess people with that are younger than I am.

    I probably will never be sure but she WAS turned against me by my covert narcissistic sister. I never thought this could happen. My sister is a snake and a coward. I will never know why she is like she is but the damage is permanent.

    I have so very much to say but I will keep it as short as possible. My daughter is selfish and self centered. From what I see, she is incapable of love. She is violent. She attacks only those close to her. Her first victim, her great grandmother, I was her second victim. her boyfriends and her children. She is money hungry and a user. Again I have a history to look back on. I do not think that she is capable of loving anyone except herself. She has emotionally and financially abused me for years. As far as I know, she has never apologized to anyone for anything. She expect complete compliance from everyone she knows. I’ve always called her out on her crap. For some reason no one else in the family ever disagrees with her.

    There is so much more to this story that when read it may seem that I don’t love my daughter but that is far from the truth. I have come to see her for what she is. I have accepted the fact that she does not love me. To pretend otherwise just leaves me open to more manipulation. However, that was a bitter bitter pill to swallow. I hope I never go through the hell fires of that type of emotional pain again.

    My child was the product of child rape by one of my father’s best friends. There was at least a 50 year age difference. I was 14 when it started and gave birth by 15. She was never spanked or beatened. Again there is so much more to this story but I could easily write a novel.

    She got pregnant. I became financially responsible for the child. However, she never wanted to contribute to any child rearing expenses. And I was left to copy.

    She was/is highly absive to those close to her. She attacked her great grandmother, she attacked me, she used my grandfather against me, she is skilled at the art of manipulation, she will lie to you about yourself. She spread rumors. She misleds with her half truths. Her boyfriends and husbands are all abused physically. It is non ending. She is 4’10″.

    Both of her children have been in CPS custody. She blames the children for making her hit them. She blames CPS for being too agressive with her. She is money hungry but stingy as hell to others. She is a take, take, taker and a user and an abuser. She does not take responsibility for anything regarding the abuse. She never apologizes for anything.

    After she manipulated the oldest grandson into feeling unsafe with me telling him that I would never be able to support him. Then starting and stopping child support and telling him that it was his allowance. He was an emotional mess. He thought I was stealing from him. He became a nightmare beyond anything I’d ever dealt with in my life–cops, guns, knives, sex, disrespect, therapy so much more. She knew exactly what she was doing and knew what would happen. She has personally introduced 3 different men to me as his father.

    I was miserable and sank to financial depths that I’d never encountered. I had to go on welfare while she was childless and employed as an accountant with the US Government.

    She always makes him feel unwanted and unsafe. I know that feeling and it is so unfair. It just hurts my heart to know that she is such a selfish sack of shit. I raised her with love, the family raised her with love and she seems to want her children to have a worse childhood than she had. Well mission accomplished.

    This is not what my goal was for her. I treated her well so that she would know what love was and give it easily to her children and they would feel love and give it to their children and so on and so on.
    She is an only child so NO I did not treat a sibling better than her.
    My God, how did this happend. Now that the oldest is gone. She started in on the youngest.

    At some point, I have to think about me and my survival. I have financially taken care of two generations. I am financially drained. I am not a complete fool. She has a pattern. I have absolutely no doubt that if I were to accept him. She would abandon him with me and not financially support him. If I wanted another child then I would have given birth to one. I gave CPS the name of the birth father and told them to find him.

    Again, a pattern, If I did take him–after I’d worked raising her children into my 60′s–she would swoop in then manipulate this one and then poof. I would be broke and in my 60′s.

    I’ve thought long and hard during the time I had to face the fact that my daughter did not love me unless I was “serving” her needs. I would never never never trust her. in 20 or so years, as an elder woman, I know that she would abuse me physically. Again, she has a pattern. She was 10 years old when she attacked her great grandmother.

    I decided 4 years ago that I have thrown my love into a black hole. I have to look out for myself because ultimately my daughter would be my destruction. Since she is so money hungry, I would end up a victim of financial abuse. Again, she has a pattern.

    She already turned one grandson against me. I had been there almost every week of his life. There was no reason to think that he did not know that I loved and adored him. I told him and show him in many way. It breaks my heart that he turned against me. It makes me doubt him and my trust is very very shaky. I went through lots of effort to show upport for my daughter and she took advantage. She was litterally going to leave him and not support him

    It is horrifying to even conceive but the abuse itself might be another manipulation ploy. She knows of my background. I know that she has no empathy. You cannot beat a child the way she did. It’s impossible. I very highly doubt she has a conscious. She is evil.

    After telling her 4 years ago to get stuffed and to never contact me again. She contacts me. I was so upset. The emails was nothing but accusations.

    I wrote back and told her it was an apparent attempt to manipulate me. It was pathetic. I told her to never contact me again. We are done and dead as dust. I actually do not want to hear from her again. I am afraid for my safety. She is almost 40 years old. She is not going to change. If she is beating her 8 year old and then denying it. Mom he scratched himself. Yeah CPS takes kids because they were scratched. I just could not believe what a liar she is, how deluded, cold and calculating she is.

    Bottom line, she was upset with me because I did not take him from CPS custody. She will not take responsibility. She will not admit to being a child abuser. I told her she is a child abuser and a bully–see that’s the kind of stuff that pisses her off. With my background of abuse, it sickens me that she does that to her children to my grandchildren. If she were not my daughter, I would never be around her. I consider her to be a monster.

    Again I do not want contact. I will never trust her. I’ve already seen what she does to those who love her. I would rather die in the gutter than to ever be dependent on her. Those four words that I aunt spoke to me have set me free from blaming myself for things that any normal person would have listened to each other, talked to each other, worked through it, hopefully forgiven and moved on. And worked together as a team, Many many other mothers and daughters have done so and have relationships.

    During our final conversation, she admitted that she attacked me because she wanted to get back to my sister’s house and did not want to live with me. Who has a fist fight with their mother because she wants to go live somewhere else. Remember she had never been hit in her life.

    Looking back there was so much that I thought she would grow oyut of. The bossiness, she literally told me that she when she went to the bathroom the dodo smelled likes roses, the hitting her great grandmother, telling me that when I talked all she ever heard was the sounds that the parents on the Peanuts cartoons make when parents talk. I worked two jobs but she did nothing to help with cleaning the house. I had a girlfriend that sat her down and told her that she should help me because I was trying to help the family to survive. She always was a taker and a user. I just did not see it that way at the time. This was all things that I really did not give a thought about. I showed my daughter love and love conquers all right. Right!?!

    I know that I will go to my grave and never ever lay eyes on her again. All she has ever done is to take, take and take some more. She is an emotional vampire if ever there was one. I am running. I want to have some happy years before I leave this earth.

  • I thought that I was entirely alone. My situation is complicated because I remarried after my husband’s death and had two additional children. For a wile it was okay after they moved out. My ex-husband, second, was very abusive and I felt I had no way out. He constantly tormented me verbally but only in private. He hit my children. I tried to forgive as he got older and got ill and put the past behind me. My daughter wears it like a badge of courage. She tells me she misses her mother and then when I try to get close to her she pulls the rug out. She has denied me access to my grandchildren many times and yet says it is my fault that the children do not want to see me. I came to the point where I could not even exchange emails anymore because I become so despondent. She says I don’t care about her. I respond that I do but it only flames the fire and she goes on and on. I dread opening her emails when they do come which is only once in six months or so.

  • My son turned 31 yesterday. And I sent him a text. Unanswered. So I cant sleep. I cry. I hurt in so many ways that it is hard to imagine going about a normal day. But I pretend every day that I am normal. That life is normal. That I can live without him. I think sometimes that maybe if he told me why I could move on and let him be. Maybe it would be worse because if I knew I might want to try to fix it and he wont want me to. I cant imagine the horror it will be if I find out there is a grandchild I cant see, hold, spoil. I think of reaching out to his girlfriend, but it isn’t her problem. I think of reaching out to her mother…but Im not even sure why I think of doing that. I kept so much from my children about their father and the divorce and think that maybe if he knew what really went on he would understand me better. But again, not his issue. Sometimes write him long letters about all that he doesn’t know …then delete them…it helps a bit, for a bit.

  • I knew since the time I was 8 that my mother was useless. Alcohol, pot, late nights, hysterical rants, dirty home, dirty cloths, at least there was food. I got a job at 12 so that I could have some security. I’ve had a bank account since I’m 11. She kicked out Dad around that time and married her childhood best friend. All seemed like it might work out, but I’ve since learned that my mother cannot maintain any close relationships for any length of time. But of course it’s not her fault, nothing ever is. When I was 19, in college, my sister 18 also in college and another sister 16, still in high school she left us with her second husband and moved in with what I can only describe as a bottom feeder of a man. We were not all that update, step dad included, because she was and still is a constant source of unnecessary drama. The best thing she did was move out of state with the botton feeder. The only time I ever heard from her was when she needed money. Fast forward 12 years and its not going well anymore with the bottom feeder, surprise surpise! She systemically calls her daughters looking to move in. I nearly had a full breakdown. There is no way I can ever live with that woman. I can barely be in the same room with her for any length of time. Its not just about what she did, its about who she is. If she had been a better mother, wife, sister and now grandparent maybe I can overlook her social disorders. But she is a taker and a user, she expects much and offers little. Its all about her. My sister calls people like her a suckubus. She lives in her own warped version of reality. She actually thinks she was a good mother.

  • I am a 64 year old mother of four grown sons. Their father was always very angry…so I had to be there for them for the both of us… I was all they had in their younger years. I was there for all of their needs. After 17 years of an abusive marriage I divorced their father and I brought them up by myself for the last 13 years. Life was very difficult and their father contributed to it in a very big way. I had to fight him for little support that received from him…. he used his money and turned my boys against me when they moved out from house. They left my house since 2001 and this 12 years have been the most painful and lonely years for me. The rejection from my grown children is a grief just as painful as a death for me, except it never ends because my sons are very much alive and apparently happily living their lives.
    I just wish I could find a way to live again free from this heartache. I hate thinking that I will live the rest of my days being rejected by the people I love the most . I dread Mother’s Day, I dread Christmas and every other day that families get together year after year. And my sons don’t think anything of it. They are doing well, they are happy and busy with their families. They all see me as being demanding and unreasonable just for asking them to remember me.
    I can’t forget the beautiful innocent babies that I rocked to sleep, sang and read stories to. I can’t forget staying up with them all night to comfort them when they were sick and still I was not too tiered to get up in the morning and serve their favored breakfast. I can’t forget the little boys who climbed into my lap, held onto my hand as if I was their whole world, and told me how much they loved me. I can’t forget how happy my cooking and after school baking made them. Or can I forget the hiking trips, birthday parties with friends, bonfires, and Sunday meals watching Disney movies. Their well being was so important to me but they are done with me; that makes me so sad. I know children grow up and venture out into their own lives and their mothers become less important. How can my sons forget all about me and put me so completely out of their lives this easily after all I was for them.. I feel that I done something wrong but I don’t know what I wish they would tell me Put a stop to my everyday pain

    thank you to all.

  • Bridgette and other kids posting on here, whining about the woes of your childhood. Get back to me when you’ve done the best you can parenting and your kid shits on you. Some very good parents end up with very shitty kids.

  • Parents of these ungrateful kids – forgive yourself and accept that they will not change until they experience it themselves.

  • And some very shitty parent have kids that grow up to adore them. It’s just life – there is a higher meaning at the end of it I suppose.

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